Symptoms/progress 3/15

Wow--maybe I was sick before. Except I feel more like I just have a cold now and less like I'm dying. So, I feel more sick, but far better physically. Does that make sense? I've been far less freezing today. But Chris has a cold, and I think the girls may be getting one.

Anyway--symptoms:

• We are no longer lying in bed for 30 minutes to an hour before starting the day. I got up right away and the girls happily read with Daddy while I made breakfast this morning. That hasn't happened in soooo long. They took a nap (not pretty getting them to go down, but after two long days without a nap, I needed one), and woke up without too much fussiness.
• Diarrhea continues for them; I took then off vitamins today. I had my first solid, uh, experience in about two weeks. (So, yes, girls, I'll embarrass myself too.) It's weird how diarrhea freaks me out and makes me forget all the progress we've made.
  
• I picked up Daddy for lunch to go to the grocery store. Lena decided that, "Daddy and I can go to the pet store and Nico can go with Mommy." Yes, my 27-months-old-today-baby-girl said "Daddy and I."
• Nico keeps thanking me for delicious meals, well after the meal is finished. I love it!
• And the girls continue to tell each other they love each other, Daddy, and me. Nico told Lena she liked her headband today, and Lena liked Nico's ABCD shirt. They are so cool and so polite. Except when they're trying to kill each other. But Daddy is helping them remember to use their words. Last night we applauded Lena for telling Nico that she was very angry with her. Woohoo for whatever type of parenting we're promoting.
• Tiny bit of arm-flapping. Have I mentioned how I see Nico starting to flap her arms, and then she turns it into clapping? So I wonder if it is a brain misfire, or maybe an infantile response which they are growing out of now? I really wish I knew....
  

Symptoms 3/13

I feel like I'm gonna die. The girls are doing pretty well though. Our neighbors came over today to play in the yard. Nico walked off with a six year old boy, and I came up behind them and overheard Nico asking Kurt, "What are you eating?" "Gum," and I swear I could see her thinking, "Gum--yes--from the book: 'Kids like gum.'" "I like nuts," she said. She loves boys; it's so cool to see. She also has conversations with Ethan from the group I host; he's almost four. Lena loved Kurt's sister Ani; she kept falling down and asking Ani for help. It was adorable.

But I keep feeling like I'm going to die; I'm freezing; my kidneys hurt. I've been taking belladonna so I didn't get a fever last night like I did four days after the first removal. But I'm depressed and pathetic and all I want is sugar. The closest thing I have to sugar are these Acerola vitamin Cs. And to get pregnant. What is up with me? I'm going to put on more socks and try to sleep.

Symptoms 3/11

Last Thursday I had the last of my amalgams removed. There's still an old crown which my old dentist says has no amalgam, but we're not sure. We need to wait until we're a little bit flush to remove it though, I guess. I wish I knew for sure--but on the other hand, I tell myself that if there is something in there, maybe it's stopping me from dumping too much mercury at once. Who knows. (This time I remembered to take arnica just after the removal. I was much sorer the day of, but almost pain-free the day after. Rock on, arnica!)

I started with the NCD again the afternoon after the removal, back to one drop...and so far I haven't upped it ahead of schedule like I did last time. I think it makes a difference in all of our moods, and the circles under our eyes aren't as dark. So score one for me learning to follow directions and not trying to "overachieve" when there's absolutely nothing to be gained by going faster.

The morning after the removal, Lena and I almost fell apart before breakfast. I realized that I was extremely anxious and hypoglycemic (which had virtually disappeared when I was eating NT and GFCF) and I couldn't be very responsive to Lena, who just needed to be held. She also needed to eat, it turns out, and after we both got some food, we talked about it and she agreed that she had been unable to think or talk, and I think she understood it was from lack of food. However, she still isn't eating much, and she has been spacing out a lot, and I can't stop worrying about her. (Should I try Crab Apple?)

This was not the time to begin potty learning. We had a stomach bug all last week (some homeopathic spray stuff seemed to stop it), so I went back to diapers. But once the diarrhea was gone, the girls decided to poop all over the floor. I took this as a sign that they were ready for underwear again, but...agh. I'm just not ready for this right now. Sorry, girls. EC next time.

So, to sum up--not as moody or dark-circled as last time. More worried about Lena. Very brief suicidal thoughts (none today). But a general heaviness, a dark mood, a need for a gentle (homeopathic) chelation plan...and Anita's supposed to email me the name of an MD/homeopath in Boston who specializing in cleaning up after vaccinations.

Wait, more:

• I'm forgetting words, like "barbell."
• The girls don't cry as much when they wake in the middle of the night, and except for last night, they don't wake as often. Yesterday they didn't take a nap for the first time in several weeks.
• Waking from naps is still not much fun, but it's not as bad as it was last time I had amalgams removed. The girls generally nurse as they're waking up, but maybe it's still low blood sugar. Wish I had more quick snacks and things that would entice them out of bed.
• The girls are more lovey-dovey. They tell each other they love each other(!), and they randomly say they love Bea or Circe or Daddy or me. Is this developmental? It seems late, somehow, but it's awfully good to see.
• I feel a generalized anxiety, a rush to do everything, even dishes. Nico often tells me to slow down. Nico's been getting more boo-boos; I think she's rushing too.
• Today the girls helped me so much--we cleaned up almost all the blood on the walls after Bea's unfortunate tail amputation last week. And Lena was holding boards for Daddy in the kitchen--really helping.
  

A couple random thoughts:

• My unexplained headaches during pregnancy--was this when the mercury left my brain and settled into the girls? And what did having an MRI do--to all of us?
• The amalgam that was replaced with porcelain, NOT using any safety protocol, at around Day 20 of my pregnancy before I could even take a test. Did that do anything?
• Lena's band-aid shaped "birthmark," from receiving the Hep B vaccine at 2 days old (and 5 weeks early)--seriously, what caused that? Nico's faded after a few months....
  

The great lead scare

Well, I've been wondering if I'm insane for a while. I still don't know...in fact, I know even less. What I do know is that our Hair Elements tests showed that the girls have (had?) elevated lead levels. And I know that I spent several nights reading and worrying over this very informative MDC post, which I highly recommend to anyone who may ever buy an older house. And I freaked out in front of the girls, crying and cleaning and trying to get them to play only downstairs. (I bought swab tests from Lowe's and found lots of lead upstairs and in Daddy's office.) And Daddy was having his own issues (in line with the strange astrological goings-on, I suppose).

Anyway, we got a semi-traumatic* venous blood-test that showed almost no lead and normal calcium and iron levels. WTF? So I guess it's not this house (though clearly there is lead here), and either the NCD, time, and/or diet is healing these girls. I guess it's healing--although from what I understand, the damage with lead is fairly immediate (ie, the body mistakes lead for calcium, and it is knit into the bones and remains there for at least 20 years). But at least the onslaught seems to be over. Except that I continue to worry. Did lead do additional damage? Is there damage? Am I just a complete control freak, and all the little things I think are "wrong" are just "personality"? My gut says no, but I'm trying to stay open to the possibility that I am insane. [Insert maniacal laugh here.]

I've been taking flower remedies (in addition to our daily use of Rescue Remedy) to try to alleviate my worry and to learn something from everything that is going on. I've added Chestnut Bud to Cherry Plum and White Chestnut (although after reading the description of White Chestnut, I thin it's not exactly what I need...).

Anyway, anyway: Here are our lab results--mine, Nico's, and Lena's. I want to test again in six months and see if anything changes.

(*Nico went first, cried, but said to Lena soon after--and right before crying some more--that it "wasn't that bad, Lena." Lena thought it was that bad.)

2/27 More symptoms

I am by far having the most negative symptoms of anyone--feeling moody, abandoned, unable to communicate--old feelings associated with my depression (which I now suspect had a lot to do with mercury toxicity and poor nutrition). I think it's because I was way overdoing it on the NCD. I feel a little weird using a "product," and I think that pascalite and megadoses of magnesium, selenium, and zinc might be doing more than the NDC, but I'm not ready to write it off yet. However, Nico is onto me in the way I try to hide things in her food (though they didn't notice the freeze-dried brain and liver in tonight's "delicious, mama!" hamburgers). So she ends up rejecting something with a couple drops of NCD, and I forget and eat or drink it myself. Plus, as is my wont, I moved us up way too fast on the dosage. And yesterday I tried Emergen'C for kids, and it was too much for Lena (who will more or less take anything I give her--my sweet girl--though I also credit Richard Scarry, who compliments Huckle on eating what his mama gives him). She was pretty zoned out through the story hour; she also very disturbed by this boy who was crying (and his mama just kept reprimanding him and telling him to stop or they'd leave).

So, symptoms:

• I am a moody bitch.
• The girls are interested in other kids! At the library yesterday, they both went up to a 10 month old boy, touched him gently, and crawled around like he did.
• Nico danced at the library meeting yesterday. She shook her sillies out. This is amazing. I once had to leave a music group because )I now theorize/understand), it was too loud for her.
• Lena pooped on the potty all bu herself, perfectly, two days ago, and Nico did yesterday (plus halfway today). They both got up the morning, non-fussy, and we went pee on the potty with no resistance. Nay, gladly. Gladly I say!
• Nico was too excited to take a nap today. She chattered in a high-pitched voice for over an hour. Finally chamomile or sulphur or belladonna seemed to help (I was desperate). Lena slept solid for 2.5 hours but woke in a horrible mood. I wonder if she got some gluten/casein at the meeting today.
• The meeting was fabulous! The girls were awesome! People stayed three and a half hours (an hour and a half after I started hinting they should leave;)). Nico played with a little boy who was almost four. Nico. Played. With. Another. Child. It was so awesome. She was so cheery. Lena was giving out balloons and having a good time too.
• There is still a lot of arm flapping (though Nico was doing it with just one arm for a while tonight). I really wonder what causes that. Lena seems to be drawing up her hand a little less. I think it used to be both, but now it seems only to be the right.
  
• The girls ran around screaming, "Naked! Naked time!" (though only Lena was naked) for about half an hour before bed. It was awesome. Nico was giving me so many hugs and kisses. I've really been waiting for this!
• They haven't been eating much for breakfast (though Lena had an entire banana, a few bites of eggs, and a few bites of breakfast ice cream, so I guess that's a lot), but they have been awesome at dinner, with the exception of three nights ago when Lena was too excited to sit down at all. Nico keeps commenting, "Delicious! Thank you, Mama!"
  

I took a clay bath tonight. Maybe that, combined with the lessening of my NCD dose will help me out!

I need to write more about how I understand their symptoms, as the mercury is stirred up up me and I experience what I believe they've been experiencing off and on since birth.

Oh, and we finally had a snow! Download and upload.... To do, to do, to do....

2/23 Today's Symptoms

I'm going to try to type up an overview of the last week, but here's what went on today:

Last night I remembered to give Magnesium. Not only did I fall asleep in "Daddy's bed" (which I've only done once before), the girls slept until 1 am without me. Previous record is about 11 pm.

We slept in a little, until 6:45 or so. No real meltdowns before breakfast (although Chris did catch Nico peeing on the doll Grandma gave her yesterday--yesterday she was throwing it down on the floor and smiling and sitting on it). But overall, it was a big, big improvement. Then the girls played together (without biting or much fussing) for hours. It was crazy. I got so many little things done, and they we having fun and chatting away. Awesome awesome awesome.

They didn't eat much food and wanted lots of milk. Not sure how much NDC they got as the newness of being allowed juice again seems to have worn off. Circles under eyes were moderate. Arm flapping is at a worrisome level, but not as bad as I've seen it in the past. Nico did a little head banging..well, more throwing her whole bodt back in her little soft paisley chair from Nini.

Libby wrote back the sweetest letter. She suggested Mercola's site, as well as The Impossible Cure. She also suggested a WAPF homeopath/ND in Concord, NH, so I'm going to call tomorrow.

Our faces were not as flushed. Nico seems to be taking it harder today. She had a few breakdowns, especially after leaving the Children's Museum (which was so crowded and loud; I'm surprised we were there as long as we were--they really had a blast). She also really didn't want a bath, claiming like she did last week that it was "too hot." We did coax her in (filtered bath with epsom salts), and she had fun, but it reminded me how much both girls HATED baths until they were about 8 months old. I just never gave them one. The "too hot" comment also makes me remember how they used to always kick off blankets. Nico did that this afternoon. The mercury is high, huh. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Gotta get some pascalite into her I think.

They went to sleep easily at about 7:45, and it's almost 10:30 without a peep. I love you, magnesium. And I love you so so so much, my little Nico and my little Lena (who looks like she's gained a pound or two--she's not a rail anymore).

Also, their eyelashes are growing. Grandpa J. keeps noticing. Nico gave him an unbidden kiss yesterday for the very first time. That was amazing. Such progress amidst such symptoms.

Back to report on Mercury Rising

Honestly, I mostly stopped blogging because I was seeing autism spectrum symptoms in the girls, and I felt scared and too ashamed to blog about it. I'll write more about the ridiculous shame later (which I feel may be stopping us from getting to a cure), but I'm blogging again to document our progress, mixed as it currently is, while I get the amalgams out of my body and we work on processing the mercury out of our systems. Wish us luck.

To start I will copy a letter I just wrote to one of my stepmom's old friends, Libby DeMartelly. I found her online here, so I think it's okay that I publish her name. (I'll delete it if it's problem.) Anyway, here's a brief summary of my understanding of where we are:

Hi Libby!

My name is Mehera Dennison, and my stepmom, Anita Middleton, suggested I try to get in contact with you. I think she took some homeopathic classes with you, and remembers that you gave her the book the Aware Baby (which I haven't read, but I know my 26 month old twin have been paying attention since the moment they popped out!).

I've been using homeopathic meds with them since they were about 12 months. Before that, unfortunately, they were vaccinated and on antibiotics once. I also had three amalgam fillings placed with breastfeeding (which I am still doing--they will not give up the boob and I don't want them too!). In retrospect, I can see that their symptoms (which I identify as on the autistic spectrum, tho I know no western doctor would dare diagnose them since they are still young and very high functioning and i've learned how to avoid triggering situations and foods) worsening after every mercury exposure. I am, however, currently getting my amalgams removed. We are doing all right, but I think some of the mercury related remedies might really help us. I've ordered some (we each have a different type as far as I can tell), but they haven't arrived and I'd love to consult someone else about them. Mercurius jolted one twin out of some behavior but seemed to worsen it the next times I tried it, so I won't use it again. I could gone on (obviously!), but I don't know if you are still involved in homeopathy and/or have any time to talk or email with me.

Spectrum behaviors include arm-flapping, saying "uh" instead of using words (tho they have quite a sophisticated vocabulary, in my opinion:), when they use it--which is most of the time), biting people and hurting dolls and dogs, head banging, and spinning. They also have unformed stools and lot of undigested foods--we follow a Weston Price diet with only honey and occasional maple syrup as sweeteners, and we have no grains or dairy currently--these, as well, as fish, aggravate their symptoms. Each of these could be explained away, but I have no doubt that if we weren't strict with their diets (and I eat what they eat), they would have full-blown symptoms.

I guess I did go on, but I will stop myself now. If you aren't involved in this type of healing, perhaps you know someone who is. I found your email address online and see you are in NH. I am currently in MA and visit my sister in law in Concord NH every couple months or so.

Thanks for your time. Anita remembers you quite fondly and calls you a brilliant woman and mother.

Sincerely,

Ch-ch-ch-changes.......

(Nico and Daddy at Castle Island on Labor Day--moments before barfing ensued.)

The girls skipped a nap for two days in a row, and didn't go to sleep any earlier or sleep in any later. They would skip a nap once in a while a few weeks ago, and at that time I was really hoping they'd just give up the nap and start going to bed around 6.30. (Especially since it'll get dark so early soon--they stayed up 'til 9.30 during the summer when it was still light. Shouldn't this stuff balance itself out?) But, either I'm wickedly PMS (I'm not sure this progesterone stuff is actually helping me), or I am just unable to function without a significant rest myself. They took a short nap today, and I was even able to get up ad clean for about an hour.

They people who came to look at the house are interested ad coming back Tuesday at 5. Which seems innocent enough, but I think I'll have to pack the crew up and head to Providence so I have some backup at dinnertime. The potential buyers were in the house until almost 6.30; we expected them gone at 5.30. I wonder if they could hear the girls screaming as we tried to keep them occupied in the rain in the car with the restless dogs and melting groceries.

Boy am I in a bad mood. I hate being in a bad mood. Chris says I should be in a bad mood so the girls can know feelings are normal (well actually he says something along these lines about us fighting in front of the girls), but I'd rather be cheerful--you know, model cheerfulness.
In the same book that got me to try progesterone (What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Pre-Menopause), I read that the PMS symptom of being a bitch/saying what's on your mind is a powerful thing that should be honored. I don't know if I'm explaining that well, but in that spirit:

If I have cleaned the house all day, come home and made dinner for you and the girls and not had enough time to eat myself before putting two resisting girls to bed who are smacking me around...HAVE THE DECENCY TO FREAKIN' CLEAN UP THE FEW DISHES LEFT SO THAT WHEN THE GIRLS ARE FINALLY ASLEEP I CAN SIT DOWN WITH YOU AND WE CAN BOTH RELAX TOGETHER AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK WE'VE DONE.

There. Tomorrow I bleed. Oh the power, girls, the power.

Am I back now? (Part two)

(Above: Nico at the Public Gardens on a Daddy Sunday. Somehow Nico got her sister's shades.)

For a long time I wouldn't let the girls go long with Chris because I felt one was always sick or teething or just needing to be near to Mama. But now I have to drive about an hour for milk, so every other week or so, Daddy takes the girls on the choo-choo train (which they love! ad it make gettig to the Children's Museum much easier with all the construction madness downtown). I get back and clean the kitchen. They seem to have a great time with their dedicated Daddy.

Right now the girls are playing with purses (which is so interesting to me because I just recently started carrying a big purse/diaper bag, but they've enjoyed it for awhile, especially Lena). They were playing with jumbo Legos earlier, even putting them away. They rock. I love you, girls!!!

Am I back now?

(Above: Lena at the Public Gardens on a Daddy Sunday morning.)

Snapshot of this morning: Comfort nursing Lena (whose getting all 4 first molars at once) while holding a stability ball between my knees and bouncing Nico in time to Modest Mouse.

We've bee doing running around/gymnastics every morning. I wanted to take them to a gymnastics class that would have cost about $700, but fiduciary reality set in. The sample class taught us how to prepare for somersaults, cartwheels, and handstands. So we warm up every morning so Mommy won't hurt herself doing somersaults. They've really improved on the somersaults and love it. So maybe when we move we can join a real gymnastics class, maybe when they're a little closer to three.

I really hope to write more often. I think my descent into hippiedom is pretty interesting (to me, at least). I've stop using store brand face stuff, and I've bee doing an elimination diet to try to figure out the source of my acne--which today seems almost gone (2 weeks of no grains and three days of no dairy, except a little arrowroot powder and butter in some cookies I keep "forgetting" about and eating). My weight, however, is disappointingly stable.

They are great helpers. Nico loves to do it "myself"--particularly getting into her carseat, which is great unless we really have to go someplace. Lena talks all the time, especially as we're going to sleep. I should be annoyed, but it is so cute. I think Nico has all her colors down today, so Lena will probably have all hers tomorrow, or later today. They are very close developmentally, thank goodness. At first, every color was "BOO"! Then they got white. Then purple and pink.

Chris got mugged last week, so we've dropped our house dramatically ($40, 000--but everyone else is doing it, right?). The mugging happened three houses away. The girls and I were on the porch and the people who did it walked right past as I slowly connected that the person yelling was Chris. He had two black eyes and a swollen nose, but they didn't take anything material, and he now believes in arnica.

And on that note....

I'm back! (I think...)

Due to underwhelming demand, I'm back on the blog. (I've been too busy, plus I've had some questions about how smart it is to post so much about us/participate in the giant advertising world that is the internet.) Anyway, so much has happened since I posted last, and the girls are totally girls, talking up a storm and climbing up slides by themselves! We're still kinda on the diet, just a little sprouted bread every once in a while and some frozen organic pizza on weekends in Dorchester. I think their guts weren't that badly damaged, but they definitely had a bad yeast infection. I'm keeping a close eye, and I've learned so much about nutrition, but it's fun to go back to Nourishing Traditions and actually use some arrowroot!

Now I'm cooking in a tiny little kitchen (with a nice new countertop and stove) in the bottom apartment of mom's (aka Mo's) house; we've been here for five weeks. The house in Dorchester looks beautiful (the bathroom we started before the girls were conceived is finally finished); someone please buy it! (Gah--I can't link to it.) Nini and Bobo just came for an awesome visit. The girls love seeing Mimi and Mo when they're not working (and sometime even when they are). And we've also finally gone out to Westport a few times where the girls have a BLAST! They love the chipmunks and riding on the lawn mower and just running around. We'll be out there again Tuesday to be in the parade.

I should upload some videos of the girls. They are so verbal. They are currently napping from about 1 to 4 (sometimes I can get up for 20 minutes at a time, but usually I'm too tired). Their bedtime, however, is now between 8.30 and 9. Sometimes later. But I'm thankful for the nap right now.

Chris likes his new job, which is awesome. And I'm falling apart. I have owies everywhere and my face was/is breaking out like crazy (but I think it has something to do with the fact that I was taking four times too much cod liver oil; yes, I go overboard with almost everything). But I guess we're settling into a bit of a routine here, so hopefully things will get easier, our house will sell, and we'll find our dream house.

Breastfeeding twins everywhere

Mercy just said, unsolicited: "I can't believe there are people who don't breastfeed. It seems like the most natural thing in the world."

The girls have done plenty of nursing this week. I really feel so fortunate that we were able to stick it out; I can't imagine how worried I'd be about them if they were eating so little and just drinking cow's milk.

I used to think I'd be shy or modest about nursing them in public when they reached toddlerhood, but I think I nurse them more now out in public. I've nursed them at the zoo, on the T, in stores at the mall, on the train to and from NY (and on airplanes last year), in Penn Station, in taxis.... Two weekends ago I was sitting on the steps of a neighbor's house (whom I don't really know), and their teenage son walked by while I was nursing Nico. I'm not sure he even noticed.

Lately the girls like to nurse while I read to them. It's getting a little crowded in our nursing chair. I wonder what the post-illness phase of nursing will be like.

Day Thirteen of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet

Insanity here. We're on Day 13, and I've cut out eggs (which means the "cheesecake" too--I am hungry!). But the girls have a strange virus, so I can't see if cutting out eggs makes any difference.

I thought the virus was chicken pox, but the doctor said no. She's not sure what it is; seems like roseola, but Nico's fever was too short (about 15 hours). Lena, however, is on day two of her fever, so perhaps it is roseola. I, of course, think it's a weird hybrid caused by the chicken pox vaccine.

I am typing with a girl asleep on either boob. I haven't even been able to check email this week. Mercy (Mimi!) has been here helping out the last couple days, but I am still really feeling sorry for myself. I need a personal chef, a personal shopper, and someone to clean the house. I won't even tell you the last time I bathed.


(Above, here we are just before we left Christine's in New York. The trip was pretty awesome, and Christine and I are reading Sugar Blues together. Of course, she's probably done, and I haven't even started. Actually, I haven't even unpacked everything from the trip last weekend.)

Day Two of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet

The only cheating I've done is not to puree the carrots. They are not being completely digested by the littles, so we'll puree tomorrow!

Die off is happening. On the one hand, I'm psyched, because it means this is real and we should be doing this diet.

On the other hand, I feel so guilty that I let so much bad bacteria/yeast get into my precious little babes.

I will describe the die-off when we're a bit further away from it and I can see more clearly. I'm a little more functional than yesterday but still extremely stressed!

Day One of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet--Take 2

This time I didn't cheat. I did, however, lose it frequently throughout the day. Mercy threw her back out (which I didn't know), and I called her and bitched her out for bailing on our plans. Oops. Then I couldn't find either set of car keys, so our milk (which I can no longer drink unless it's been fermented for 24 hours) and eggs are still sitting in Cambridge. Grandma M. is going with us in the morning.

I feel okay now, but this is very hard for me for some reason. The girls are understandably fussy. They slept three hours. Lena wanted to go to sleep at 10.30 (9.30 before the time change); Nico passed right out too. (Of course it's now 8.12 and Lena's on my hip.) I dropped own to 141 after two days on the fake diet (eating lots of nuts and nut muffins); I'm a little worried I'll lose too much too fast. Not that I mind losing; I just don't want to dump more toxin into my littles. Sigh. Wish us luck. I'll be posting about it here.

Our library rocks

Friday morning we went to the toddler story hour at our library. It rocked! At first we were the only ones there. The librarian read Lunch! to the girls--a very cute story about a mouse who eats a lot of fruit. And, each girls got a copy of the book! The librarian is a nice young guy, and I was very interested to see the girls' reaction to someone else reading to them. Then a few other kids showed up. They were older and pointing and talking about the book, so the girls started pointing too, especially Nico. After the stories, there were puzzles and crayons. Get this: The girls understand not to eat crayons when they're in front of other people! Not a single bite! I'd tried to replicate the experience at home. Nope; crayon teeth.

This weekend was warm and wonderful. Saturday we went to Auntie Beth's baby shower. The girls were stars. We got so many compliments about them--beautiful and well-behaved. Lena'd slept about 20 minutes in the car and Nico didn't nap until 3, on the way home. We broke our diet with cheese and cucumber, but they didn't reach for any of the other food. (I have to say I feel a little creepy that people think they're so well-behaved, as if I'm disciplining them to be "good." I don't really correct them, you know? They're just good babies.) On Sunday there was lots of playing outside with the twins around the corner and another boy visiting his grandma. Tonight it's cold and rainy again.

New stuff:

• Last week we cut all 20 fingernails in a five minute span of time. I've never even gotten all day in one day before!
  
• We went to the zoo by ourselves Friday, sans stroller. Good workout.
• Lena is really mimicking everything we say. I think she said tractor. As the diet's gotten stricter, she seems to be talking more. It's so cool.
  
• Nico is such an explorer. People call her a mama's girl (my little sweetie), but she wants to go into everyone's backyard, even without me. And she loved "riding" the toy horse at the baby shower. Beth said she's a natural. (I don't really know about riding, but they seemed like they seriously thought she'd be a good rider.)
  
• The girls are addicted to books. And airplanes. And dogs and cats and birds and other twins.

(Above, with the doggie at the shower in Kittery, Maine.)

Day One of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet

It was hard, and I cheated. I gave the girls a banana in their morning smoothie. Actually the smoothie, made from 24-hour yogurt, isn't listed specifically either, though a cooked yogurt is. And I ate lots of nut muffins throughout the day. Since my symptoms aren't as overt as theirs, I think it's okay. I also ate a bite of zucchini. Who knew it would be so hard not to eat raw veggies? And I gave the girls a super-ripe banana at the zoo. But other than that, it was plain eggs and pureed carrots in homemade chicken stock. They kinda liked it, but I'm pretty sure Nico was a little hungry when she went to bed. She does like her treats! Can I really cook their fruit? I better try; I will make apples for them. It's so hard not to be able just to hand them food! Is this how eating disorders start (using food to placate?). At least there's no tv!

New stuff:

• Last week I noticed a little tiny perfect mole on Lena's left calf. It fascinates me because she hasn't had her leg exposed to the sun. It seems like it was something that was just programmed to appear on her body at a certain time. I wonder what else will appear (and whether her stork's bite will disappear fully).
• Nico is very sensitive to dryness, like her mama. If she wakes at 4.30 or 5 because she can't really breathe through her nose, I can bet the downstairs humidifier is empty, even if the one in the bedroom says the humdity's fine. (Lena gets stuffed up about half the time. Neither likes the saline nose spray.)
• We went to the zoo today for the first time! I didn't bring the stroller, and we were fine. We saw a mama gorilla with her baby--never let the babe go. They way it should be! The girls really liked the birds. They did not want to leave!
• I guess the zoo wore them out because they wanted to be outside this afternoon, but held. I said I couldn't just keep carrying both of them (I'm no gorilla), but we could go in the stroller. I didn't think they'd go for it, but they did. It was awesome. I got a good 30 minute walk, and I got to use muscles I haven't used in a while. I hope we can make it a daily thing again. I forgot how nice walking at an adult pace is.
• I got picked up by another mom finally! Of course now I don't feel like I have an extra second to spare. What a difference there is between 15 and 9 months. Or even 12 months. Now there's so much to do!
  

(Above, the girls pose reluctantly, wanting me to make their favorite ducky quack Old MacDonald.)

Mercury sucks! (And is it still retrograde?)

While I'm freaking out about the mercury in my teeth (watch the presentation!) going into my breastmilk, the lead pipe coming into our house, and the possibility that the girls are exhibiting some spectrum behavior, the girls are steadily becoming even more delightful little kids, fairly oblivious to my strife. I'm trying to relax. I (am trying very hard to) have faith that any problems can and will be healed through nutrition. But what about everybody else's kids?

New girly news:

• Yesterday I went to the health food store ALONE! When I got home, Nico was sleeping next to Daddy. No tears, just sleep. This, my dears, is a FIRST!
• Today I was cleaning the kitchen. I didn't hear any fussing from upstairs. I kept cleaning, enjoying myself(!). When I came upstairs, the girls were in the bed with Daddy reading to them. Lena was asleep. A first for Lena!
• Today I gave them crayons and notebooks. While many crayons are heavily chewed (and I'm praying that non-toxic label is accurate), the girls colored for the first time. I don't think Lena even had a bite!
• They are really talking a lot more. It's an explosion. Is it just their age; is it the diet; is it both?
• We planted some bulbs in the backyard, and they both used their trowels to help. Very cute. And very very dirty.
• Every day around noon this weekend, Daddy would say, "It's only noon? It feels like four. Or six."
  

They're still not digesting everything, and they have a red rash again. Die-off?

Our first conversation

The girls love to discuss literature, it turns out--just like mama. We were reading Spring is Here by Taro Gomi, and Nico kept hitting her head on one page. There was a picture of a boy lying in the grass wearing a blue cap. She was saying hat, even though the text just reads, "The grass grows." (She also likes the hat in the Dr. Seuss ABC book--my childhood fave for the rhythm.) So then Lena got excited about the hat. Then Nico signed that he was sleeping, and Lena agreed. So I asked them if they would like to sleep in a field one day, and Nico very seriously nodded yes. So I said we would. It was our first conversation about art!

Actually, that's not true. We often talk about the painting of me and mom when I was a baby that hangs over our bed. I wonder what they think of it, since it's a mama with just one baby. I wonder if each girl might imagine she's the only one. I hardly ever spend one on one time with them yet. I can't stand to leave the other alone. But sometimes one will be awake and we have some special time, like the time I filled the tv(free) room with bubbles just for Lena. And once I took Nico to the grocery alone. No one stopped to talk to us because we were solo.

New this week:

• They both said 'nana today for banana. For some reason I think that is so cool.
• They love playing with my old silk scarves. I have never worn silk scarves, but I seriously collected them so one day my future girlbabies could play with them.
  
• The girls are eating more and seem to like sitting at the table again. I made a chicken soup with finely diced zucchini and onion instaed of rice (with carrots and celery), and they loved it! Yay!
• The girls can get into our old nursing chair alone. Turned around and there's a babe smiling.
• I bought them whistles. They were blowing them in TJ's Tuesday. Fun fun fun.
• Last Friday I left them with someone other than Chris for the first time since they were two months old (when I left them with Beth to go to the store). It was just 20 minutes so I could pick up my car. I was nervous the whole time. How did it go, Mom?
• They love birds! The way they do the sign is so cute: They stick a finger in their mouths and blow. (You can find how to do it the "right" way here.)
  
• I know there's more, but....
  

Addendum

I forgot to say WHY to avoid xenoestrogens! The contribute to estrogen dominance (in men and women), and of course babies (especially in the womb) are more susceptible to them. Estrogen imbalance contributes to a plethora of problems, including ones like depression and infertility. Hormone imbalance can also contribute to hyperpigmentation, which led me to those expensive facial products in the first place. Of course, good diet is the real cure. (Money saved on unneeded products goes to buying organic!) My skin looks pretty awesome; no breakouts with my first ever pain free period. I know it's a combination of stuff, but I'm enjoying trying to figure out the combination.

Man, now I need to go check my shampoo bottles. More stuff to return to companies. It's a good thing Chris has been so slow to break down those boxes on the porch to recycle!

And still yet more....

Now I am reading by Lee, Hanley, and Hopkins, as recommended by this thread. Sigh. More stuff to get rid of. I switched to the oh-so-aptly-named Obsessively Organic moisturizers by Kiss My Face (to go with the Trader Joe's Dessert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash, partially organic and TJ's mostly organic chapstick). But I was trying to use up my overpriced, chemical-filled face stuff, including Philosophy's The Greatest Mystery daily facial. Sigh--Mercy, if you want it (since you think I'm being excessive), it's yours. But it contains glycol, one of several solvents high in estrogen. Here' s a list of stuff to check your products for from pages 80-81 in the chapter on Xenohormone Hell (great title):

Alcohols (eg, methanol)

Aldehydes (eg, acetaldehyde)

Aliphatic hydrocarbons (eg, n-hexane)

Aromatic hydrocarbons (eg, benzene)

Cyclic hydrocarbons (eg, cyclohexane)

Esters (eg, ethyl acetate)

Ethers (eg, ethyl ether)

Glycols (eg, ethylene glycol)

Halogenated hydrocarbons (egg, carbon tetrachloride, trichlorethylene)

Ketones (egg, acetone, methylethylketone)

Nitrohydrocarbons (ethyl nitrate)

But really, I should just throw the products away, right? Or send them back to the companies with an explanation as to why I won't be using them anymore, asking them to produce organic products instead. It would only cost about $50, less than what I used to spend per product.

Another good thing about twins--no time to paint your nails! I hope I didn't do it much while I was pregnant. I'm really worried about the girls' ability to have babies. So worried I can barely even start to have the feelings. But all I can do is educate myself and them, and we'll see what happens if it ever becomes an issue.

But I've wanted to get rid of plastics since they started reaching for things at 5 months. I've only bough them wooden toys, but I don't want to guess what's in the board books (luckily, they don't chew on them as much anymore). Chris says I'm being ridiculous to get rid of everything plastic; I think we may begin the phase-out. But I just bought more sippies yesterday. Agh. Wooden bowls and tin cups? I wish I could dress them organically. Hanna Andersson has some good stuff. At least pajamas to start.

I lost my last post about the girls--I'll get a photo and info up soon! (Their yeast infection is gone gone gone. I knew it was the sourdough!)

Am I in an X-files episode? Or, junk food must be a vast conspiracy....

Chris is tired of hearing about it, so I blog....

Seriously, why is this information about leaky gut not plastered all over the news? I need to become an activist, but I don't know how. Challenge me to write letters. Tell me what else I can do. Here are some links about how the specific carbohydrate diet can heal a leaky gut (stolen from a post by JaneS on MDC--hope that's cool):

It All Began with A Child:
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.i...th_a_child.htm

SCD Overview:
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.i.../beginners.htm

Science Behind the Diet:
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.i..._the_diet2.htm

Yogurt for Probiotics:
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.i...importance.htm

SCD and Allergies:
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.i.../allergies.htm

I have become convinced that this is what the girls have. And Chris and me. I think the girls got it through my poor diet, being supplemented so heavily with formula for the first 9.5 weeks, being vaccinated, because I got a flu shot while pregnant, because I have fillings that I've had work on while they've been breastfeeding, and because I fed them food that fed the bad bacteria/yeast in their little bellies. The symptoms are mild--a yeast rash that appears when I feed them too much bread, irritability and mood swings (especially in Lena, who weighs a little less, I believe, because she has more damage, more problems asorbing her food--she took longer to get over her first bout of the rotavirus. They both recovered quickly from the one a few weeks ago, thanks to an improved diet.), and difficulty sleeping.

I have hesitated to admit to myself that these are problems and not personality, if you know what I mean. Labeling them "high needs" helped me deal more gently, but is there such an epidemic of high needs babies in traditional cultures? (And holding the babies all the time, like I generally did--still do--is usually cited as the "cure.") It has taken me months of reading and really considering other people's stories--especially the wise mamas on MDC--to see how profoundly we are affected by what we eat and what we don't eat. And I've had to get over my feelings over guilt (as much as I can) so that I can move past the mistakes I've made and come to a place where we can use nutrition to heal the damage I've done through my ignorance.

On the more mainstream twins boards I used to frequent, mamas were complaining about irritability, neediness, and sleep problems all this time, so I thought it was normal. I guess, unfortunately, it is normal. I believe most Americans are suffering from a leaky gut. I feel fortunate that our case seems so mild--ie, no obvious allergies or autoimmune deficiencies. (I think it's because I've always eaten yogurt and vegetables.)

Come on. Now I've said it out loud. Debate me!

Outside!

Going outside is the coolest new thing. Not like we've never gone outside before, but lately it's been to the car or on the occasional walk (I guess that was back in January). But now "outside" is a whole thing. Yesterday we walked around the corner to another set of twins' house--very cool, though I was warned I had a year of a new level of exhaustion in front of me. (Not too bad--I heard it lasted until they were four--which I guess coincides with school for most people. Today we played outside for an hour. I picked up trash while they walked up and down Bob & Donna's driveway. They did NOT want to go in. It started snowing in the freaky wind about 3 minutes after we got in, which calmed them down some. Will they ever go in the stroller again?

Other new things:

• They are signing more for me to keep reading. They've been signing more for while, but it's always been for something concrete (more banana).
• They both said something awfully close to 'nana today (for banana). They're saying so much stuff, though B words remain a favorite. Lena says, "hop pop," for Hop on Pop. Chris says they say, "Hi everybody," but I don't really hear it.
• They rock with their animals signs. Nico was doing fish today, and I said, "I think you're doing fish, but I'm not sure why." So she got down on her hands and knees and went under the crib/storage area. There was my old nursing pillow, covered in fish. When we look at books, the can find cat, dog, fish, duck, bunny, and mouse (I made up a silly sign for mouse). I also made up a sign for snow today; the way they do it, it looks like they're saying hallelujah. Awesome. Oh, and we saw a real cat today, and they were fascinated. Lena was a little scared because it was coming up and rubbing itself on her.
  
• I started signing the alphabet to them recently. (It occurred to me that kids in daycare and/or who watch tv might hear the song a lot more than these girls, so I want to make sure they have access to it, you know?) Anyway, today I was nursing them on the alphabet mat, and I started singing, and Nico got up and started pointing to the letters on the mat!!! So now I'm spelling out the alphabet with the foam letters for them when I give them a bath (very occasionally). We used to sing the alphabet on the wall in the playroom too, which they liked, but was frustrating for me because I couldn't hold them both and point to the letters the way they like. I really hope they are early readers. I point to the words as I read, and sometimes I'll sound out words. (I guess teaching phonics way back when to ESL students was more beneficial than it seemed. And when I was working on the MA in Education, I had a feeling it was really for my future kids. And as a foundation for the new "school" I will someday found;).)

(Above, Nico and Grandpa D.)

Self-portrait with twins at 15 months

Crying is the most effective mean of communication. Doors are dangerous. The one who is bitten needs extra love. Oo, there’s a car. There’s a car. Miow miow. Cold; it is cold. Stinky; it is stinky. It is good for you: yum-yum. Banana? Banana? Cheese? Aren’t you smart? Aren’t you adorable? Aren’t you a good girl? Aren’t you a big girl? Aren’t you a bunny? Don’t use your teeth. That hurts mama. Give a kiss. Sleepy? Yes, you’re sleepy. Dog. Yes, doggie. Belly button.

I haven't slept through the night...

Sleep is so much better than it was, but I am yet to sleep through the night or sleep in. Sigh. However, here's what it was like:

• In the beginning we had to wake the girls every two hours to feed them. They slept most of the rest of the time, but I couldn't. I was too nervous they'd need me. I was literally delirious. Babies everywhere. Hope I remember that and sleep with the next babe/s.
• Then there was chaos. Months 1 -4 we couldn't go to sleep before about 11. Colic was in full force at week 11 and ended at 4 months and three days (3 months after their due date).
• At four months, Mama figures out how to sleep with the girls attached. Mama gets in bed at 7 and gets up with the girls about 8. She gets up to pee sometimes, to the soundtrack of frantic crying. It took me a month to catch up on sleep.
  
• There was the occasional morning nap where I could put them in their swings. But 5 months, I gave up trying to transfer them and held them through all three of their naps. The laptop has recently mad an appearance. Mama surfs and edits Infinite Intelligence.
• At 6 months I have to get in the bed with them and stay there at 8. (I'd had a month to watch prime time if I wanted; they slept through it). They no longer sleep through me surfing, so naps move from the chair to the bed.
  
• At 7.5 months I can get up for a minute or two at night. But 9 months, I can get up for half an hour about twice a week.
  
• By ten or 11 months, I'm getting up most every evening, baby-free. Still not enough time to do yoga, though. Then the babies learn they can get up too. Which they do, every night, for about a month, starting around their birthday. This prompts me to agree to consider CIO, even though it goes against everything I know. I redo the research and freak out crying in the kitchen one day. I know it is wrong, so we discuss getting a king size organic mattress instead. When will that tax return come? (After we send in our taxes, I'm sure.)
• Bedtimes are relatively easy again (I lie with them for about 20 minutes usually), and we're down to one nap most days, though the time is still fluctuating. The girls go to bed about 7, and sometimes they go as long as two hours without calling out. Sometimes they still break out into tears if I get up for the bathroom, but it's nothing like it used to be.
• Chris wonders when "we" can just lay them down in bed and go about our merry evening. Will it be before they turn two? I'm thinking it might be after we move....
  

(The girls love the freezer. Grandma D caught them pillaging recently....)

Nico says: Stop the direct marketing of formula in Massachusetts!

Click here to help stop the direct marketing of formula to mamas in the hospital.

You've just had a baby (or two); you're tired and overwhelmed; helpful people say, "Oh just give her a bottle." Wouldn't a phone number to a lactation consultant and a book of practical support about breastfeeding be a lot healthier, cheaper, and more comforting? It's a lot easier to look for support in establishing breastfeeding when that little bottle isn't staring you (or your partner) in the face. Breastfeeding is infinitely easier and cheaper in the long run (take it from a mama of twins who had to do both at first).

Plus, the intangible benefits keep adding up every day. Right, girls?


IT IS NOT COOL TO ADVERTISE JUNK FOOD DIRECTLY TO A VULNERABLE MARKET!!!

They are FUN little girls! And thoughts on the pervasiveness of crappy food....

So, all the junk that fills our grocery stores (even Whole Foods)--I know it was started to make money. But it's so ingrained in my head as something to "help the busy housewife," that packaged, fortified, lite, DEAD food is something we should happily and gratefully put in our bodies. It's marketed as healthy, and I spent so much time believing it. It's hard to undo the idea that saturated fats are bad for you. And the conventional wisdom that pastuerization is helpful. And it really robs everyone, especially people who stay at home--this idea that prepared food helps you get through your day. I remember worrying about what I would do when the girls didn't need constant attention (are we there? at moments)--I read about moms gambling, drinking, etc. (geez, I guess that's how Oprah gets many of her guests). The thing about preparing whole foods (at least for me, now, as I get started) is that it is something that I can do at home that takes up a great deal of time in a productive way. I guess I started out looking at it as a hobby, to justify all the time spent. But as it gets a little easier, it feels like something I "should" be doing. I want to tell everyone about it; I want to give Nourishing Traditions as a baby shower gift (and bring meals to the new mama). I feel so freakin' wholesome. I really hope I don't burn out.

My egg-eating, CLO-swilling, healthy girls:

• They love wearing their bunny ears and hats. I hope this hat-loving phase lasts through spring and summer. There is not enough hair there to offer any protection.
  
• Nico likes to scream. Or is it shrieking? I do not respond. Lena has a sort of screech, though it seems more situational.
  
• They still love water bottles and giving raspberries.
• Lena can use the kazoo--or whatever Chris' version is called--has been for a couple weeks.
• They both love cars and wheels. I really need two ofeverything. I thought it was silly at first, but maybe it is unfair to them to expect them to share so early. But hopefully they will be good sharers, because we can't get two of everything. The most coveted toys are in the closet awaiting a partner.
• Nico does dramatic, heart-breaking crying. Then stops on a dime.
• Nico loves Frank Black. They both maintain their excellent dancing skills.
  
• Made my first chicken stock. Note to self: purchase a butcher knife. I managed to cut the neck once. I basically broke it apart. The dogs were very excited.
• Is it that spring is visiting, or is it getting nourished? I feel so good and so positive! Woohoo! (Maybe we're coming out a healing crisis.)
  

New goals--write a line of poetry or do some yoga every night.

They are little girls!

They just aren't babies anymore. What happened? Actually, I think I read about babies "growing up" after an illness on the Vaccinations Forum somewhere. Well, they are healed, and Sunday night at Mare they got their appetites back. They both ate a little salted cod (man, it was good--gotta find a recipe), a little gnocchi, a little scallop, and lots of buttery zucchini. Plus some of my angel hair. I even ate a tiny bite of prosciutto that was in the amuse bouche--and I didn't die! Wow--that turned out to be more about excellent organic food (which I surprised myself by spelling correctly) than my babes.

But they are eating! Lots of egg this morning; their daily banana/homemade yogurt/cod liver oil smoothie; peanut butter on sourdough and on sprouted wheat bread with butter (they LOVE it, and I'm making peanut butter tomorrow); 2 bananas while we were at Trader Joe's (after the Kindermusik class that did NOT meet today--oops); blueberries; and lots of cucumber (and TJ's didn't have any organic ones--wah!). Plus plenty of nursing. Is it a growth spurt, or simply what is now normal? Lots of diapers. Boy, do I want to get them out of those. (Nico has suddenly started HATING having her diapers changed. No rash; I don't know why. Lena used to hate it but seems fine now.)

Our time with Dad and Anita was very good. The girls seem really connected to them--less shy than usual. Is it because they've grown up, or because they can tell that Grandma and Grandpa D really love them? I think this is their 7th trip up from SC since they've been born. Seriously, Nico reached for Anita's hand. And Dad and Lena were communing about something a couple times. It is very interesting for me to watch them really interact with people other than Chris and me. It's like seeing how they interpret how I act with others, but with their own absolutely individual twist. Cliches keep coming true; it is so accurate that I learn more about myself through them. I'm seriously trying to watch my language.

New girly things:

• They asked for their bunny ears again this morning. Grandma D really scored with that idea!
• All the eating!
• Nico's aversion to diaper changes has spread to bathtime. I hope nothing is hurting her. Hmmm.
• Daddy reports that Lena can get the circle piece into her puzzle. Both are very interested in their puzzles.
• Lena's obsession with all things pushable has resulted in the placement of the mini grocery carts in the basement. She pushes and pushes and pushes and can't let go and gets very upset. In fact, yesterday Mercy and I put the girls in the stroller to go to O'Brien's for wine for the awesome pot roast (we had them in Bjorns, but they didn't really fit with their coats)--Lena freaked so I took her out, and she had to push the stroller all the way to the store and back again while I was holding her at the waist. She tried to push mine and Mercy's hands off. She practically collapsed into an early nap when we got home.
• We're having homemade pizza tomorrow. The girls loved the ginger snaps I made today.
  

Here are the girls in the snow a couple weeks ago. Here is part 2 and part 3 of our outing. Bonus: Lena eating yogurt.

I actually got linked to someone else's mamablog. And I like it! The blog, as well as being linked. Chris will help me add more features so I can link to the few sites I have a chance to go to. Maybe I'll meet some more cool mama bloggers. And maybe I'll do a list of 100 things about me that will traumatize my girls in the future.

Currently I'm making stew #2, with mushrooms and onions this time. I'm not using lean beef. It's a big step for me, but I've adapted to butter pretty well. Lena is dancing to No Doubt
on a Daddy mix (Hey Baby Hey Baby Hey); the echoes of colic are fading, fading. (But was is a diet deficiency? I guess we'll see with the next bundle of joy--imaginary edd: December 2008).

OK--more days have passed. It's Saturday morning and we just did some breastfeeding advocacy-type stuff. I donated a pitiful 25 ccs of breastmilk to a study that is researching the effects of lactadherin. It's a cool part of breastmilk that helps reduce the effects of rotavirus in infants. Which is interesting, because they just had a short bout which was much less severe than the bout they had in December when I was dieting (connection to diet or to having had a rotavirus before?). Anyway, reading articles on the mothering Vaccination Forum helped me understand much more. I'm loving that I'm still learning so much stuff, especially without sitting in a classroom. Or writing theses.

But my ever-present worry over milk production has resurfaced. Only 25 ccs? Am I not making much milk? But the girls are getting bigger even though they ate nothing for a couple days this week. But I worry. Maybe they're just subsisting? Stop it, mama; everyone talks about how healthy they are. Let it be.

More new girly stuff:

• Now they can do the opposite nods--Lena has nodded affirmatively a couple times. Nico still prefers a heavy-headed assention, but has shaken her head no, too.
• "Bye-bye boobie" is getting clearer from both girls. And I asked Lena to say bubble the other morning and she did it perfectly--the first time she's actually said what I requested.
• Nico has the concept of pair. She brought me a pair of Uggs the other morning; I thought it was possibly a fluke. But the other day she brought me one of her lipstick-colored Bobux, and I said, "You need two shoes. Where's the other?" And she got it!
• They can identify books, too. They know which is Goodnight Moon.
• They way they sign flower is hilarious!
• Nico is getting a back molar; I can feel it! And Lena is getting the two bottom teeth to the outside of the first two.
• The mall is definitely too much for Lena after an hour. Seriously, it's too much for me after that long too. Screamfest that made Grandma D comment on the ego-effacing nature of raising children. But we had fun walking around with Grandma Dennison and almost buying several things. Today we are heading to the kid-friendly Atrium Mall. There's a play area, plus Pottery Barn Kids and Babystyle, where I've let the girls free to play once before.
  
• They can finally use pull toys! Lena's been pulling around this cute duck from Christine, and Nico's got the telephone that seems so archaic now (a sweet gift from Allyson next door).
• Oh, the sign for more definitelty also means me too. Me too, me too, me too.
  
• These girls love their books. They are trying to mimic some sounds. Dr. Suess rocks. Hop on Pop. But boards books are dangerous in the hands of toddlers. I have a scratch and a bruise on my forehead. But we will win the war against illiteracy!
  

They are adorable, aren't they? I love them!

No time to blog lately. Been cooking and cleaning in preparation for all this week's guests (Grandpa J yesterday and today; Mom and Uncle Mikey tomorrow; Grandpa and Grandma D on Friday).

The girls are so cool:

• They are not baldies anymore. Thy have hair. In fact, Lena's needs to be washed. Is it coincidence or the result of our new, improved diet?
  
• Nico can turn in little circles. Sometimes she spins too much. I remember doing that. It melts me.
  
• Lena said "bubble" perfectly yesterday morning while Nico slept. I filled the TV (free) room with bubbles for her. She said it again today.
• I taught them "bye-bye boobie" by accident. Now they both try to say it all the time. It is hilarious and encourage it. One day I know I'll regret it.
• I made a stew from scratch. It was very good--after we figured out it needed to be thickened (the first night we had beef soup--ah, my patient husband). I'm making another tomorrow for Uncle Mikey's visit.
• We mopped upstairs and downstairs all by ourselves in two days this week. And when I say "we," I mean one in the Bjorn and one on my hip at times. That's gotta be a good workout, right?
• They are signing up a storm! They do butterfly, frog, and the eternal more (which I think means me too as well--as in, I want it).
• Lena can shake her head "no."
• Nico can nod her head "yes."
  
• They have discovered the area under where the TV used to be (which still houses a DVD player and all the stereo cords and speakers). They love to hide there.
• I found a piece of glass in Nico's mouth. Gah. (Unrelated to last night's vomit, I am assured.)
• The girls are sick. But they are mostly very cheerful. Lena threw up Sunday (Chris thought it might be because he was throwing her around). Nico threw up Monday night a few times. Everything she'd eaten since breakfast (a Mommy can tell). Lena then threw up Tuesday on the way to the grocery (I pulled over to see why she was crying, thank goodness); mission aborted. Then Nico threw up last night, and I swear it was blood (looked like the end of a period to me--Chris and Ed said it wasn't blood). She had no other symptoms, so I was talked out of the emergency room. I guess it's just a bug--no fever, but lots of sleep (a least four hours today), diarrhea, and some diaper rash for Lena. I hope it's gone soon.
  
• They are at least 29 inches tall--tall enough for the refridgerator door to hit Lena in the head!
• I got a "real" comment! Woohoo! Thank you! And clearly I, too, am obsessed with NPD and Nourishing Traditions. I will give it to everyone for Christmas if I have not convinced them to buy it for themselves first. I bought 6 containers of raw organic nuts, half of which are soaking to bake right now. (And I made "healthier" chocolate chip cookies for Grandpa J, but the chips have regular sugar, and I swear I have sores in my mouth from them. Bizarre.)
• So much more...maybe I'll have time tomorrow.
  

Repeating: Not prepared

I feel so bad. Lena flipped out at the mall today and I don't know why. She started off needing to push the stroller (very funny, because she can't see where she's going but she's so determined). Then she wanted to be held while pushing the stroller (and got very mad whenever she noticed I was helping steer the stroller). She would break down in frustration if we stopped moving (needless to say, I abandoned the idea of actually shopping pretty early on). Then she just lost it. I'd just nursed her in Mimi Maternity; she didn't want fruit leather or water or just to be held. I got down on the floor with her to ask her what was the matter, but tears just kept streaming from her bright blue eyes. It was so sad. We still had to get downstairs and out of the mall. She SCREAMED all the way through Lord & Taylor. I try not to be judgemental of other moms (umless I hear them say bad things or just ignore a kid who truly needs something), but I can imagine people were judging me. I could see it. I was holding her with a bemused smile on my face as we left the mall, people wondering what I'd done to make her scream. My poor sweetie.

OK, it is several days later. Well, two days later, but it feels like several. No more meltdowns, but I've kept our outings quick. We had a playdate with a mom off matchingmoms.org, mom to two cute 9 month old twins. It was nice, but Lena was worried about their dog, which I didn't expect. Even when the dog was outside. So she didn't quite relax, but Nico has a ball. I can never predict what these girls will do! Yesterday we started Kindermusik; it was ok. Tomorrow Chris is going to Atlanta, and it looks like I'll be on my lonesome.

New girly stuff:

• My lap is the most coveted seat in the house. It's pretty cool, but they can't always both fit. Nico sometimes backs in and misses--very cute!
• They love to bring me books! They are really paying attention. I think I will have some early readers. Woohoo!
• They are drinking smoothies for breakfast (and lunch today) with homemade yogurt, a banana, a bit of rapadura, and cod liver oil. This morning I added a pear, and this afternoon I added some special butter made from cows grazing on new green grass. I tasted it--delicious!
  
• They sign more all the time. More book, more music, more fruit leather....
• They are adorable! They are just adorable. I think they are becoming little girls. I love you guys so much!
  

OK, maybe I can handle it, with the power of raw milk at my side!

Am I insane? Is this urge to nourish to the best of my ability ingrained, a mutation of the biological impetus to recreate the hunter-gatherer days? Or is it a product of technology and capitalism--quick searches on message boards combined with the only outings available to a mom in winter in New England, shopping trips? (Of course, we go to the Children's Museum and we start Kindermusik next week--but these places not only cost money to get into, you also sit around and compare how other moms have spent money on their kids' wardrobe and snack choices....) My recent naptime reading selection has obviously added to my new obsession (yes, Chris, I called it that)--Nutrition and Physical Degeneration.

I cannot recommend this book enough. Especially because I'd love to have someone to debate it with me. It seems to make so much sense. I checked out rawmilk.com to find a place where I could get raw milk. I just sent my information to Just Dairy today. I'm not sure how soon my milk will come, but I can't wait to make yogurt with my new yogurt maker. (Williams Sonoma and crunchy homemade yogurt seem somehow contradictory, but the price was right, I was at the mall, and they have glass containers as opposed to plastic. Plus they had heart-shaped egg forms on sale, so I made cute pancakes and eggs this morning as a treat.) I plan to add a little honey and fruit or just a banana so I can slip the cod liver oil into the girls' breakfast smoothie. (I've made them smoothies twice--once Nico didn't drink hers right away, but it'd be a quick healthy breakfast for us all, replacing cereal.)

OK, the girls are in rare form today. Lena took a bit of a nap on the way back from WholeFoods, but it's now 12.30 and they show no signs of tiring. And they're not fussy! Is it the tiny bit of organic cane sugar and rapadura in the pancakes this morning? Or the banana that might be counting as lunch? (Oh, wait, there was a fuss!) They are playing so happily, just asking me to read a book every once in a while. Maybe this is the future! Happy kids--that's all I want!

New things I forgot to mention:

• They will slap you five. Or ten.
• They excel at identifying buses, both city and school.
• They like looking out the front window in the playroom from their tiny couch perch. Oh how I want to buy them little individual chairs. I think that would be a great Easter present, don't you?

(Mystery babe is Lena.)

Can I just repeat....

I am not ready for toddlerhood. My mind is everywhere and nowhere; I can't focus; my big accomplishment for the day was remembering to cut my toenails. (I also bought a yogurt maker and V-day gifts for my Valentine, but those toenails were starting to hurt.) I wish I knew how long this "phase" was going to last, but I really feel like I'm going to be eversoslightlyoverwhelmed (on good days) until I die. I mean, they can't even talk yet. Imagine when they can ask me questions. Or tell me to **** off.


My theory is that it takes me a few days to a couple weeks to catch up with them every time they reach a new milestone. For example, I was all irritable and confused when they were about 4 months old because suddenly they weren't nursing all the time, and I had to figure out how to fill that extra time. But I didn't even realize there was extra time for a few days. There was just crying. God the crying gets to me. I have it ingrained in me somehow that if they were truly happy and healthy that they would not cry. They're 14 months old. Is that old or young? I'm so confused. And I bet they are too. They can do so many new things--like walk around the mall. I let them walk around the mall today! Sure it was somewhat of a disaster (they didn't go in the same direction much--as me or each other), but we survived. (I also didn't bring the diaper bag and both girls pooped. Sorry for that detail, babes of the future!)

So we are all growing up and confused and stinky. At least I've been having a couple nice phone calls with Grandma M. I'm trying to figure out the "reward" to all this hard work (and why do I even think in those terms?). My guess is that the reward to motherhood is wisdom. There, I said it. Yep, that means you, Mom. So, if you are not wise and all-knowing, don't tell me, because I gotta be working for something (again, where does this reward-based thinking come from? I'll blame public schools and college).

Of course, there is the joy intrinsic in always being there, being the one thrown up on all night (poor Lena) or klonked on the head with the snack cup (thanks Neeks). And getting to see them do all these new things:

• We're all off the sugar. There's a little in the kefir, but other than that, we're pretty clean. But I need the kefir to mask the cod liver oil......
• Nico did not get the stomach bug that got me, Daddy, Lena, and Grandpa J last Tuesday and Wednesday. She's got the stomach o' steel!
  
• They are both signing more. They were never really signing it before I guess. Who can tell. Anyway, today Lena kept signing more for me to keep playing the farm animal noises in the cool book from Grandma D. Again and again and again. But I couldn't refuse--she was signing more! My girls are brilliant. They both sign it with one finger pointing to the palm. Which looks an awful lot like the sign for hurt.
• They are good walkers, and Lena's about to run.
• Lena is shaking her head no, usually when she means it.
• On the train two weekends ago, Nico signed bubbles to tell us about the ponytail holders in a little girl's hair.
• A couple afternoons ago, Lena was looking out the window and signing. I couldn't figure out what she meant, but she was signing moon because there was a huge child's moon glowing the window. Nico and she and I sat and stared at the moon for a while. The communication is so exciting, but it's also frustrating for all of us because we don't always understand each other.
• Daddy wants me to add that Lena is very proud of her farts, drawing attention to them.
• Nico is fabulous at throwing a ball. (These came today; what a bargain! They're about $8 on kids' store sites. Thank you froogle!)
  
• They can point to the duck or fish or whatever in a book. Wicked cool.
• Lena's word for balloon is definitely "ooo"; she got excited and said "ooo" when she saw some in a new book today.
• Nico likes wrapping these rubber Pilates bands around herself like a scarf. It's very chic.
• Oh, and knock on wood, our trips without tears continue. We were fine to the mall and back today. It's on location now that tears may appear.....
  

I love you, girlies!

Well, today has been better...
(But now it's next week, so let me recap....)



(Tuesday) Maybe it's just that Chris recognized the seriousness of the situation by naming it "A Phase." Maybe it just played it's course. Last night was rough; Lena was fussy all night. And they were clingy this morning, but they took a nap at 9.10 (yes, two hours after they woke up!) until almost 11.30, and though they wouldn't take a second nap, things are going much better. Still a little clingy and really lingering at the breast (we've had a couple 20 minute nursing sessions in the chair like when they were 5 or 6 months old!).

I just made these. Yum. Before that, I made a Velvet Spice cake from the Joy of Cooking for Mercy's birthday.

(Wednesday) Happy Birthday, Merce! Sorry the Velvet Spice cake hit the side of the car before dashing to its death on the on-ramp to 93S. At least Chris' interview seemed to go well, and the girls, Grandma, and I had a blast at the Providence Children's Museum just a few blocks away. Plus, we got in free with our Boston Children's Museum menmbership. It was much superior. The girls could run free through the whole place. They loved it. It was one of the best mommy-moments so far, watching them play there.

(Thursday) We recovered from Wednesday. The girls took two naps--over four hours!

(Friday) I can't remember! We went to the Children's Museum in the afternoon and met Daddy. Not as cool as Providence--there's really no other place for them besides the Play Space. But they did better than the first time there, and I hope they'll just enjoy it more the older they get.

(Saturday) Fun at the health food store and Home Depot. Shopping is now really a two person event. Two adult persons, two scrambling toddlers who don't like the word NO.

(Sunday) More shopping fun, this time at Trader Joes. It's nice they have balloons there. We took the T into Boston for an errand in the afternoon. Warmish. I should be really thankful there have been so many warm days this winter, but it worries me.....

(Monday) This is not the way to do a blog--boring. I painted splotches on the cabinet and stopped quite a few fights this morning. The girls aren't eating as much as they used to, but I read that's to be expected. I was going to do a Valentine's photo shoot this morning, but the camera batteries died. Now of course their cute heart sweaters are dirty. Note to self: 38 degrees is too cold for a walk with the girlies at 3.30 on a February afternoon.

I've been reading a lot about nutrition, how whole grains are bad for you because they rob your body of minerals when you try to digest them. So I'm eating gruel for breakfast (organic muesli soaked overnight in full-fat yogurt--who am I?) instead of cereal. Also trying to cut out the sugar. I read it can be harder than quitting smoking. Day two doesn't seem so bad, but of course I have had sugar in two things (a miniscule amount of jelly and in the kefir). And now add to that the dried mango that had sugar added--grr!

The girls are still nursing a little more, cuddling a little extra. They are attemting to eat the gruel with their spoons. Lena loves forks. We went to the library one night last week--yep, she smuggled in a fork, and I got dirty looks for letting my toddler play with one. I love you, babes!

I AM NOT PREPARED FOR TODDLERHOOD!!!

I vacuumed up half the rice I let the girls play with--the rice spread across the kitchen, the foyer, and the first half of the steps. But the girls developed an aversion to the vacuum cleaner--a new cry that, if these weren't my very own lovelies, I might call fake. Perhaps forced. Anyway, after the reaction I had to the nannies at the Children's Museum today, I felt it better to desist in my cleaning attempts. So the rice which my little troopers carried upstairs is spread along the hallway and the TV room rugs. It complements the tissues which I handed out on purpose this morning. Yes I did. It entertained them for 2 minutes. It was worth it.

Why are they so freakin' fussy? Chris said I "yelled" at Nico yesterday; that really worries me. I did NOT yell; I said, "I have to go to the bathroom," and then rushed away, but I can see how I was abandoning her. I don't want the next year to be like this, but my nerves are so frayed. It's better to walk away then to snap at them, but I think the reason I walked away from Nico is because there was another adult in the room who had the ability to attempt to soothe these girls, too. This is a very very very hard job. I guess they're frustrated because they want to talk but can't fully express themselves. And the signs I've taught them are not sufficient either. But I feel guilty and bad and stressed and worried and...they are playing too quietly.

Nico ripped down a strip of wallpaper from the playroom. Now, how am I supposed to respond to that? I just said, "You ripped own the wallpaper, huh?" I smiled. The room is a wreck anyway. But am I supposed to admonish her somehow? She's one. She doesn't know.

We have had a bath, played with rice, played with tissues, been to Old Navy and played there, played with the teething tablets bottles, went to the Children's Museum, played with the cell phone, with the regular phone. Chris hasn't even left for work yet. They only slept an hour. I'm exhausted and out of games to play with them. I'm going to feed them dinner. I'll bash on the nannies later.

Somebody send me some perspective, please.

Playdate, homeopathy, and skanky hair

Nico's on my hip nursing as I type. Lena's got her head in a laundry basket. My wet hair, shampooed by not conditioned, is in a towel. Why did I try washing my hair again after yesterday's fiasco? (Yesterday's post just published.) Because I didn't wash all the conditioner out. Will I get to put any in tonight? I hope so.

We had a fun playdate with Ethan; Heather said she'd never seen so many smiles from Lena. They finished up the somewhat "tough" scones I made this morning (while Lena ran all the way up the stairs on her own!). But the visit gave me a chance to test the Hyland's C + Cold Tablets--2 every fifteen minutes, then every hour after until...until what? I'm not sure Ethan had a cold, but he hadn't taken a nap and had been around a lot of other kids in the morning and felt warm, so.... Maybe it'll clear up the slightly runny nose they've had forever.

Now Lena's in the Bjorn, and Nico's shirtless going through a Safety First pack with emery boards, tooth brush, and comb. It's 5.47 and daddy hasn't called yet. I'm inconsistent in my capitalization of mommy, daddy, etc. I'm making this for dinner. We didn't really have a lesson today, though we put away lots of laundry and did a little work getting the room upstairs ready for mom. Rather than add more boring minutiae, I'm going to choose a photo to upload (or maybe a video is available) and work on the upstairs bedroom!

(Videos from two weeks ago are still not uplaoded! Grrr.... So, a cute picture at 6 months old!)

Oh, Motherhood

So much, no time to write, still can't wash my hair while the girls are home with me alone. I'm standing here with conditioner in my hair because a huge fight erupted. I'm typing now, before they're in bed, because Nico's getting a molar (it looks huge!), so I probably won't get any computer time tonight, and I hate lying there resenting that. (With no TV--which no longer hurts, by the way--at least I don't feel like I'm missing a show.) Lena has the phone on the half-torn-apart couch, and now Nico is going for it. I guess her victory of my wet towel is no longer satisfying. How can I put my head under running water right now? And blowdrying, my new addiction (bought with most of a gift certificate), will have to wait until after daddy's home. (Why do I blow dry my hair now after 33 years of sleeping on damp hair, when I'm trying to be greener and I don't have any time? Because. Because that is the mystery that is your mama, girls.)

But we did make it to WholeFoods downtown today with no crying there or back! Nico was a little fussy near the end, but we made it. I bought lots of Hyland's Teething Tablets and Gel and Flu and Cold medicine (just in case). I'm trying to go as holistic as possible because I still really feel like I did damage with the vaccines. Some of the stuff there is so much cheaper than StopnShop--milk, Seeds of Change frozen meals. It's hard to comparison shop with twins, though.

Chris suggests I do Montessori-type lessons with the girls each day. It's kinda a good idea, but Montessori is all about creating an environment for self-discovery (from what I understand), so.... But in the spirit of not succumbing to winter-related depression, we had a lesson about roses today. "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" was playing while I tried to read Sandra Boynton's Doggies and Todd Parr's This Is My Hair. So I took that opportunity to stop my off-key singing and tell the girls that the pretty flowers on top of the shelf (a gorgeous rainbow bouquet from Trader Joe's) were roses. And we would one day, in fact, have a rose garden. So I showed them what I was promising. But, like all lessons at this age, it lasted less than three minutes and then it was time to move on. And it ended in tears (as I took the rose, minus two petals and put it away, saving the lesson about thorns for another day).

New right now:

• Lena is walking much better. She came from the closet to the bed and the bedroom to the TV room without falling. I don't even notice how far she goes anymore because she's doing so well--very slowly and carefully. Then she'll get down and crawl so fast--backwards too. She is going to be ecstatic when she learns to run!
• I asked Nico to say, "Papa," and she popped right out with it. I told Chris, and she acted all shy about it and wouldn't do it again.
• I made this for dinner (yum) with garlic sauteed spinach and sweet potato--and the girls like sweet potato with spinach "hidden" in it.
  
• The girls love playing peekaboo. Chris said Nico put her pajamas on her head and walked...into walls.
• Lena plays Screaming Monster with Daddy. They play more like little kids each day.
• They quietly looked at books for a minute or two.
• They love the car game. Rules: Make an excited noise when you see a car go by on Washington Street out the kitchen or nursery window. Variation: Get excited and point/make noise when you see a bus on a stroll with mommy or in the car.
• "Dog" is evolving as a speech sound.
• Sleep is insane lately--no nap til 1.45 on Sunday, then a nap from 9.15-11 on Monday with no second nap. Today there was a nap from 11-1.15. I follow their cues, of course, but I think the uncertainty makes me a little irritable.
  
• And Hyland's Teething Tablet might just work. The girls are in bed, asleep. Love you, little ladies!
  

(In the above photo, Lena's arm is wet from playing in the dog bowl--another beloved activity, which drives mommy crazy!)