I AM NOT PREPARED FOR TODDLERHOOD!!!

I vacuumed up half the rice I let the girls play with--the rice spread across the kitchen, the foyer, and the first half of the steps. But the girls developed an aversion to the vacuum cleaner--a new cry that, if these weren't my very own lovelies, I might call fake. Perhaps forced. Anyway, after the reaction I had to the nannies at the Children's Museum today, I felt it better to desist in my cleaning attempts. So the rice which my little troopers carried upstairs is spread along the hallway and the TV room rugs. It complements the tissues which I handed out on purpose this morning. Yes I did. It entertained them for 2 minutes. It was worth it.

Why are they so freakin' fussy? Chris said I "yelled" at Nico yesterday; that really worries me. I did NOT yell; I said, "I have to go to the bathroom," and then rushed away, but I can see how I was abandoning her. I don't want the next year to be like this, but my nerves are so frayed. It's better to walk away then to snap at them, but I think the reason I walked away from Nico is because there was another adult in the room who had the ability to attempt to soothe these girls, too. This is a very very very hard job. I guess they're frustrated because they want to talk but can't fully express themselves. And the signs I've taught them are not sufficient either. But I feel guilty and bad and stressed and worried and...they are playing too quietly.

Nico ripped down a strip of wallpaper from the playroom. Now, how am I supposed to respond to that? I just said, "You ripped own the wallpaper, huh?" I smiled. The room is a wreck anyway. But am I supposed to admonish her somehow? She's one. She doesn't know.

We have had a bath, played with rice, played with tissues, been to Old Navy and played there, played with the teething tablets bottles, went to the Children's Museum, played with the cell phone, with the regular phone. Chris hasn't even left for work yet. They only slept an hour. I'm exhausted and out of games to play with them. I'm going to feed them dinner. I'll bash on the nannies later.

Somebody send me some perspective, please.