Repeating: Not prepared

I feel so bad. Lena flipped out at the mall today and I don't know why. She started off needing to push the stroller (very funny, because she can't see where she's going but she's so determined). Then she wanted to be held while pushing the stroller (and got very mad whenever she noticed I was helping steer the stroller). She would break down in frustration if we stopped moving (needless to say, I abandoned the idea of actually shopping pretty early on). Then she just lost it. I'd just nursed her in Mimi Maternity; she didn't want fruit leather or water or just to be held. I got down on the floor with her to ask her what was the matter, but tears just kept streaming from her bright blue eyes. It was so sad. We still had to get downstairs and out of the mall. She SCREAMED all the way through Lord & Taylor. I try not to be judgemental of other moms (umless I hear them say bad things or just ignore a kid who truly needs something), but I can imagine people were judging me. I could see it. I was holding her with a bemused smile on my face as we left the mall, people wondering what I'd done to make her scream. My poor sweetie.

OK, it is several days later. Well, two days later, but it feels like several. No more meltdowns, but I've kept our outings quick. We had a playdate with a mom off matchingmoms.org, mom to two cute 9 month old twins. It was nice, but Lena was worried about their dog, which I didn't expect. Even when the dog was outside. So she didn't quite relax, but Nico has a ball. I can never predict what these girls will do! Yesterday we started Kindermusik; it was ok. Tomorrow Chris is going to Atlanta, and it looks like I'll be on my lonesome.

New girly stuff:

• My lap is the most coveted seat in the house. It's pretty cool, but they can't always both fit. Nico sometimes backs in and misses--very cute!
• They love to bring me books! They are really paying attention. I think I will have some early readers. Woohoo!
• They are drinking smoothies for breakfast (and lunch today) with homemade yogurt, a banana, a bit of rapadura, and cod liver oil. This morning I added a pear, and this afternoon I added some special butter made from cows grazing on new green grass. I tasted it--delicious!
  
• They sign more all the time. More book, more music, more fruit leather....
• They are adorable! They are just adorable. I think they are becoming little girls. I love you guys so much!
  

OK, maybe I can handle it, with the power of raw milk at my side!

Am I insane? Is this urge to nourish to the best of my ability ingrained, a mutation of the biological impetus to recreate the hunter-gatherer days? Or is it a product of technology and capitalism--quick searches on message boards combined with the only outings available to a mom in winter in New England, shopping trips? (Of course, we go to the Children's Museum and we start Kindermusik next week--but these places not only cost money to get into, you also sit around and compare how other moms have spent money on their kids' wardrobe and snack choices....) My recent naptime reading selection has obviously added to my new obsession (yes, Chris, I called it that)--Nutrition and Physical Degeneration.

I cannot recommend this book enough. Especially because I'd love to have someone to debate it with me. It seems to make so much sense. I checked out rawmilk.com to find a place where I could get raw milk. I just sent my information to Just Dairy today. I'm not sure how soon my milk will come, but I can't wait to make yogurt with my new yogurt maker. (Williams Sonoma and crunchy homemade yogurt seem somehow contradictory, but the price was right, I was at the mall, and they have glass containers as opposed to plastic. Plus they had heart-shaped egg forms on sale, so I made cute pancakes and eggs this morning as a treat.) I plan to add a little honey and fruit or just a banana so I can slip the cod liver oil into the girls' breakfast smoothie. (I've made them smoothies twice--once Nico didn't drink hers right away, but it'd be a quick healthy breakfast for us all, replacing cereal.)

OK, the girls are in rare form today. Lena took a bit of a nap on the way back from WholeFoods, but it's now 12.30 and they show no signs of tiring. And they're not fussy! Is it the tiny bit of organic cane sugar and rapadura in the pancakes this morning? Or the banana that might be counting as lunch? (Oh, wait, there was a fuss!) They are playing so happily, just asking me to read a book every once in a while. Maybe this is the future! Happy kids--that's all I want!

New things I forgot to mention:

• They will slap you five. Or ten.
• They excel at identifying buses, both city and school.
• They like looking out the front window in the playroom from their tiny couch perch. Oh how I want to buy them little individual chairs. I think that would be a great Easter present, don't you?

(Mystery babe is Lena.)

Can I just repeat....

I am not ready for toddlerhood. My mind is everywhere and nowhere; I can't focus; my big accomplishment for the day was remembering to cut my toenails. (I also bought a yogurt maker and V-day gifts for my Valentine, but those toenails were starting to hurt.) I wish I knew how long this "phase" was going to last, but I really feel like I'm going to be eversoslightlyoverwhelmed (on good days) until I die. I mean, they can't even talk yet. Imagine when they can ask me questions. Or tell me to **** off.


My theory is that it takes me a few days to a couple weeks to catch up with them every time they reach a new milestone. For example, I was all irritable and confused when they were about 4 months old because suddenly they weren't nursing all the time, and I had to figure out how to fill that extra time. But I didn't even realize there was extra time for a few days. There was just crying. God the crying gets to me. I have it ingrained in me somehow that if they were truly happy and healthy that they would not cry. They're 14 months old. Is that old or young? I'm so confused. And I bet they are too. They can do so many new things--like walk around the mall. I let them walk around the mall today! Sure it was somewhat of a disaster (they didn't go in the same direction much--as me or each other), but we survived. (I also didn't bring the diaper bag and both girls pooped. Sorry for that detail, babes of the future!)

So we are all growing up and confused and stinky. At least I've been having a couple nice phone calls with Grandma M. I'm trying to figure out the "reward" to all this hard work (and why do I even think in those terms?). My guess is that the reward to motherhood is wisdom. There, I said it. Yep, that means you, Mom. So, if you are not wise and all-knowing, don't tell me, because I gotta be working for something (again, where does this reward-based thinking come from? I'll blame public schools and college).

Of course, there is the joy intrinsic in always being there, being the one thrown up on all night (poor Lena) or klonked on the head with the snack cup (thanks Neeks). And getting to see them do all these new things:

• We're all off the sugar. There's a little in the kefir, but other than that, we're pretty clean. But I need the kefir to mask the cod liver oil......
• Nico did not get the stomach bug that got me, Daddy, Lena, and Grandpa J last Tuesday and Wednesday. She's got the stomach o' steel!
  
• They are both signing more. They were never really signing it before I guess. Who can tell. Anyway, today Lena kept signing more for me to keep playing the farm animal noises in the cool book from Grandma D. Again and again and again. But I couldn't refuse--she was signing more! My girls are brilliant. They both sign it with one finger pointing to the palm. Which looks an awful lot like the sign for hurt.
• They are good walkers, and Lena's about to run.
• Lena is shaking her head no, usually when she means it.
• On the train two weekends ago, Nico signed bubbles to tell us about the ponytail holders in a little girl's hair.
• A couple afternoons ago, Lena was looking out the window and signing. I couldn't figure out what she meant, but she was signing moon because there was a huge child's moon glowing the window. Nico and she and I sat and stared at the moon for a while. The communication is so exciting, but it's also frustrating for all of us because we don't always understand each other.
• Daddy wants me to add that Lena is very proud of her farts, drawing attention to them.
• Nico is fabulous at throwing a ball. (These came today; what a bargain! They're about $8 on kids' store sites. Thank you froogle!)
  
• They can point to the duck or fish or whatever in a book. Wicked cool.
• Lena's word for balloon is definitely "ooo"; she got excited and said "ooo" when she saw some in a new book today.
• Nico likes wrapping these rubber Pilates bands around herself like a scarf. It's very chic.
• Oh, and knock on wood, our trips without tears continue. We were fine to the mall and back today. It's on location now that tears may appear.....
  

I love you, girlies!