Well, today has been better...
(But now it's next week, so let me recap....)



(Tuesday) Maybe it's just that Chris recognized the seriousness of the situation by naming it "A Phase." Maybe it just played it's course. Last night was rough; Lena was fussy all night. And they were clingy this morning, but they took a nap at 9.10 (yes, two hours after they woke up!) until almost 11.30, and though they wouldn't take a second nap, things are going much better. Still a little clingy and really lingering at the breast (we've had a couple 20 minute nursing sessions in the chair like when they were 5 or 6 months old!).

I just made these. Yum. Before that, I made a Velvet Spice cake from the Joy of Cooking for Mercy's birthday.

(Wednesday) Happy Birthday, Merce! Sorry the Velvet Spice cake hit the side of the car before dashing to its death on the on-ramp to 93S. At least Chris' interview seemed to go well, and the girls, Grandma, and I had a blast at the Providence Children's Museum just a few blocks away. Plus, we got in free with our Boston Children's Museum menmbership. It was much superior. The girls could run free through the whole place. They loved it. It was one of the best mommy-moments so far, watching them play there.

(Thursday) We recovered from Wednesday. The girls took two naps--over four hours!

(Friday) I can't remember! We went to the Children's Museum in the afternoon and met Daddy. Not as cool as Providence--there's really no other place for them besides the Play Space. But they did better than the first time there, and I hope they'll just enjoy it more the older they get.

(Saturday) Fun at the health food store and Home Depot. Shopping is now really a two person event. Two adult persons, two scrambling toddlers who don't like the word NO.

(Sunday) More shopping fun, this time at Trader Joes. It's nice they have balloons there. We took the T into Boston for an errand in the afternoon. Warmish. I should be really thankful there have been so many warm days this winter, but it worries me.....

(Monday) This is not the way to do a blog--boring. I painted splotches on the cabinet and stopped quite a few fights this morning. The girls aren't eating as much as they used to, but I read that's to be expected. I was going to do a Valentine's photo shoot this morning, but the camera batteries died. Now of course their cute heart sweaters are dirty. Note to self: 38 degrees is too cold for a walk with the girlies at 3.30 on a February afternoon.

I've been reading a lot about nutrition, how whole grains are bad for you because they rob your body of minerals when you try to digest them. So I'm eating gruel for breakfast (organic muesli soaked overnight in full-fat yogurt--who am I?) instead of cereal. Also trying to cut out the sugar. I read it can be harder than quitting smoking. Day two doesn't seem so bad, but of course I have had sugar in two things (a miniscule amount of jelly and in the kefir). And now add to that the dried mango that had sugar added--grr!

The girls are still nursing a little more, cuddling a little extra. They are attemting to eat the gruel with their spoons. Lena loves forks. We went to the library one night last week--yep, she smuggled in a fork, and I got dirty looks for letting my toddler play with one. I love you, babes!

I AM NOT PREPARED FOR TODDLERHOOD!!!

I vacuumed up half the rice I let the girls play with--the rice spread across the kitchen, the foyer, and the first half of the steps. But the girls developed an aversion to the vacuum cleaner--a new cry that, if these weren't my very own lovelies, I might call fake. Perhaps forced. Anyway, after the reaction I had to the nannies at the Children's Museum today, I felt it better to desist in my cleaning attempts. So the rice which my little troopers carried upstairs is spread along the hallway and the TV room rugs. It complements the tissues which I handed out on purpose this morning. Yes I did. It entertained them for 2 minutes. It was worth it.

Why are they so freakin' fussy? Chris said I "yelled" at Nico yesterday; that really worries me. I did NOT yell; I said, "I have to go to the bathroom," and then rushed away, but I can see how I was abandoning her. I don't want the next year to be like this, but my nerves are so frayed. It's better to walk away then to snap at them, but I think the reason I walked away from Nico is because there was another adult in the room who had the ability to attempt to soothe these girls, too. This is a very very very hard job. I guess they're frustrated because they want to talk but can't fully express themselves. And the signs I've taught them are not sufficient either. But I feel guilty and bad and stressed and worried and...they are playing too quietly.

Nico ripped down a strip of wallpaper from the playroom. Now, how am I supposed to respond to that? I just said, "You ripped own the wallpaper, huh?" I smiled. The room is a wreck anyway. But am I supposed to admonish her somehow? She's one. She doesn't know.

We have had a bath, played with rice, played with tissues, been to Old Navy and played there, played with the teething tablets bottles, went to the Children's Museum, played with the cell phone, with the regular phone. Chris hasn't even left for work yet. They only slept an hour. I'm exhausted and out of games to play with them. I'm going to feed them dinner. I'll bash on the nannies later.

Somebody send me some perspective, please.

Playdate, homeopathy, and skanky hair

Nico's on my hip nursing as I type. Lena's got her head in a laundry basket. My wet hair, shampooed by not conditioned, is in a towel. Why did I try washing my hair again after yesterday's fiasco? (Yesterday's post just published.) Because I didn't wash all the conditioner out. Will I get to put any in tonight? I hope so.

We had a fun playdate with Ethan; Heather said she'd never seen so many smiles from Lena. They finished up the somewhat "tough" scones I made this morning (while Lena ran all the way up the stairs on her own!). But the visit gave me a chance to test the Hyland's C + Cold Tablets--2 every fifteen minutes, then every hour after until...until what? I'm not sure Ethan had a cold, but he hadn't taken a nap and had been around a lot of other kids in the morning and felt warm, so.... Maybe it'll clear up the slightly runny nose they've had forever.

Now Lena's in the Bjorn, and Nico's shirtless going through a Safety First pack with emery boards, tooth brush, and comb. It's 5.47 and daddy hasn't called yet. I'm inconsistent in my capitalization of mommy, daddy, etc. I'm making this for dinner. We didn't really have a lesson today, though we put away lots of laundry and did a little work getting the room upstairs ready for mom. Rather than add more boring minutiae, I'm going to choose a photo to upload (or maybe a video is available) and work on the upstairs bedroom!

(Videos from two weeks ago are still not uplaoded! Grrr.... So, a cute picture at 6 months old!)

Oh, Motherhood

So much, no time to write, still can't wash my hair while the girls are home with me alone. I'm standing here with conditioner in my hair because a huge fight erupted. I'm typing now, before they're in bed, because Nico's getting a molar (it looks huge!), so I probably won't get any computer time tonight, and I hate lying there resenting that. (With no TV--which no longer hurts, by the way--at least I don't feel like I'm missing a show.) Lena has the phone on the half-torn-apart couch, and now Nico is going for it. I guess her victory of my wet towel is no longer satisfying. How can I put my head under running water right now? And blowdrying, my new addiction (bought with most of a gift certificate), will have to wait until after daddy's home. (Why do I blow dry my hair now after 33 years of sleeping on damp hair, when I'm trying to be greener and I don't have any time? Because. Because that is the mystery that is your mama, girls.)

But we did make it to WholeFoods downtown today with no crying there or back! Nico was a little fussy near the end, but we made it. I bought lots of Hyland's Teething Tablets and Gel and Flu and Cold medicine (just in case). I'm trying to go as holistic as possible because I still really feel like I did damage with the vaccines. Some of the stuff there is so much cheaper than StopnShop--milk, Seeds of Change frozen meals. It's hard to comparison shop with twins, though.

Chris suggests I do Montessori-type lessons with the girls each day. It's kinda a good idea, but Montessori is all about creating an environment for self-discovery (from what I understand), so.... But in the spirit of not succumbing to winter-related depression, we had a lesson about roses today. "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" was playing while I tried to read Sandra Boynton's Doggies and Todd Parr's This Is My Hair. So I took that opportunity to stop my off-key singing and tell the girls that the pretty flowers on top of the shelf (a gorgeous rainbow bouquet from Trader Joe's) were roses. And we would one day, in fact, have a rose garden. So I showed them what I was promising. But, like all lessons at this age, it lasted less than three minutes and then it was time to move on. And it ended in tears (as I took the rose, minus two petals and put it away, saving the lesson about thorns for another day).

New right now:

• Lena is walking much better. She came from the closet to the bed and the bedroom to the TV room without falling. I don't even notice how far she goes anymore because she's doing so well--very slowly and carefully. Then she'll get down and crawl so fast--backwards too. She is going to be ecstatic when she learns to run!
• I asked Nico to say, "Papa," and she popped right out with it. I told Chris, and she acted all shy about it and wouldn't do it again.
• I made this for dinner (yum) with garlic sauteed spinach and sweet potato--and the girls like sweet potato with spinach "hidden" in it.
  
• The girls love playing peekaboo. Chris said Nico put her pajamas on her head and walked...into walls.
• Lena plays Screaming Monster with Daddy. They play more like little kids each day.
• They quietly looked at books for a minute or two.
• They love the car game. Rules: Make an excited noise when you see a car go by on Washington Street out the kitchen or nursery window. Variation: Get excited and point/make noise when you see a bus on a stroll with mommy or in the car.
• "Dog" is evolving as a speech sound.
• Sleep is insane lately--no nap til 1.45 on Sunday, then a nap from 9.15-11 on Monday with no second nap. Today there was a nap from 11-1.15. I follow their cues, of course, but I think the uncertainty makes me a little irritable.
  
• And Hyland's Teething Tablet might just work. The girls are in bed, asleep. Love you, little ladies!
  

(In the above photo, Lena's arm is wet from playing in the dog bowl--another beloved activity, which drives mommy crazy!)

Vaccinations
(or, My God, what have I done?!?!)

Oh jeez. I remember feeling weird when I had to sign my permission for the Hep B vaccination on day one in the hospital...but I was feeling weirder that I hadn't gotten my tiny babies to breastfeed, so I signed. Who would mandate something harmful for an infant? Surely not our government, right? Whle my girls are probably fine despite the toxins and screwed up DNA I let be injected into their tiny systems (on three separate occasions), I really wish I had done my research ahead of time. Actually, I guess Chris is to blame here too (love you, honey)--we don't vaccinate the dogs, except for the legally required rabies. That was researched!

So I'm suspending vaccinations until I've done more research. And I'm kicking myself for doing the chicken pox vax just before Christmas; the girls have pretty much been fussy for the past month since they got it. And have they had a cold since then--just a tad? Plus I shouldn't have done it while they were on antibiotics. God. Should I report that to VAERS (the cold symptoms)? I feel like I should be proactive about this, but I don't want to overreact. I'm currently reading What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Your Child's Vaccinations by Deborah Mitchell and Stephanie Cave (at least one of whom is a practicing pediatrician--she even lists when to give the vaccines if you do do them). It seems calm and well-researched, but it talks a lot about autism, and to think that autism is preventable just breaks my heart! I mean, look at that face at the top of this post. What if I let a needle be put into her (which is honestly enough reason for me to delay vaxxing right now--the looks they gave me last time...) and she, as I know her now, disappeared?


Well, I have to thank the fine people at mothering.com for their Vaccination Forum. I really thought people who didn't vax were kinda selfish--just living off the sacrifices the "rest of us" made, if you know what I mean. How did an idea like that even get into my head? Really, who put it there? (Blue Cross Blue Shield wants it there; I got a mailing today about how "all children need to be vaccinated." It also came with a satisfaction survey; I will complete it, telling them why I am dissatisfied with their Well Baby program. It also has tips for when you wean--who says you have to wean?) I'm reading the Vaccine Guide next. I will keep you informed! (And by "you," I mean my little Lena and Nico of the future!)

13 months, one day, and still breastfeeding twins!

...I say not because it seems like a big deal anymore, but more as an experiment with Google...will I show up in sombody's search? Will a real live person one day leave a comment? (Mom, you count. Chris, so do you. And I heard you're out there, Jessica.)

I want to post the breastfeeding struggle I posted to the Breastfeeding Forum at twinstuff.com. I want to edit it first; in the meantime, here's a link. Which will probably have to do for quite a while seeing how sparse free time is around here. I don't think my laptop will be sitting near my old nursing chair for much longer, either, as the girls' hands get
busier and faster. So my "review" of Hold On to Your Kids may have to be summed up as: it affected me. Actually, it really affected me--made me cry and freak out and feel that I did my girls serious damage by not being able to breastfeed them for the first two months. I had to put them in car seats to bottle feed them at the beginning, sometimes propping the bottles. I didn't know what I was doing; there were two babies and just one sleep-deprived me. I was trying as hard as I could; I was so depressed; I wished I'd asked for more help. I know I'm too hard on myself; still, I really want to be perfect for these girls.

And I have improved myself in a lot of ways, I think. I eat more healthily than I ever have in my life. I think I'm more organized (thought I see that I get more flustered when I'm without a back-up plan when something doesn't work out). The house is cleaner. I spend less money on stupid things. (Really!) I'm more concerned about recycling (though I was pretty good before), and definitely more conscious about reducing waste and cutting down on using chemicals (I'm almost done with a huge bag of Splenda--then, no more). Using disposables is a conundrum. I'd rather use cloth, but it seems too expensive and overwhelming to start now. My original research showed that it was a draw enviromentally, but perhaps that isn't accurate. (Here's a link that lukewarmly supports the it's-a-draw theory.)

Somehow, I think the fact that Chris got his first professional haircut since I've known him is related to the same urge to become a better parent by becoming a better person--a byproduct of attentive parenting that Hold On to Your Kids also mentioned. I know it's ostensibly for Wednesday, but Wednesday is for a whole chain of things that go into creating a better life for these kids. And us. So maybe that's what I was really so upset about by reading HOTYK; I feel we're so isolated in Boston; maybe Rhode Island will be closer to the attachment village HOTYK advocates. Mom and Merce are there; Chris' dad is nearby. There will probably be more sahms (who can afford to stay at home in Boston?).... It's a dream; maybe we can make it real.

The above picture of Lena is so sweet, no? I'm using it totemically to keep the girls asleep. So far, it's working. They went down at 6.45. (Well, Nico was kinda up until 7.30.) Then I took a bath and put away the spaghetti sauce. They both cried out; I patted them on their backs instead of nursing...and I just jinxed myself.

So my sweet, still-nowhere-near-sleeping-through-the-night babes' 13 months activties:

• Nico can throw a ball!
• Lena can sign bunny rabbit! (She was also doing hungry and butterfly when I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar. She points on the page like I point at the words when we're reading. Wow.)
  
• Nico is pointing (has been for a week or two).
• They are both getting better at using a fork.
• They love being naked! Nico will start pulling off her clothes, then Lena will want me to do hers. Usually I just let them go shirtless for a little bit.
• They can do the shape-sorter with the tiniest bit of assistance.
• They continue to fight. I'm trying to say, "Let's use our words," even though they don't really have any yet. I just say what I wish they would say about agreeing to share or whatever. I really hope I am modeling some good strategies for them. I wish it would work. This "discipline" aspect of parenting may be the hardest part.
  

Cars rock!

Here's the most recently uploaded video of the girls:

(Business must be booming because I have three more videos that have been waiting a week to go "live.")

Walking, teething, clinging....

I love my girls so much! They are non-stop. Nico can walk through rooms, and today Lena decided she was just going to walk--two steps, fall, right back up, four steps, fall, right back up, repeat. Repeat, repeat, repeat. She is signing so much. They are both doing so much, and I guess it is affecting their sleep and also how much they need me during the day. I have to say that I am pretty exhausted. Plus Nico and I both got food poisoning (I guess) Wednesday--up all night with fever and chills and cramps. Then Lena threw up on the train on the way home from the Children's Museum tonight, but I think that was just exhaustion.

We're trying some new things sleep-wise. I'm going to start to feed them dinner before Chris gets home. We're keeping the lights off upstairs, and I found a lullaby CD from Grandma D today that is really nice. (Of course the CD player in our bedroom seems to be broken. And our microwave broke yesterday. Is Mercury retrograde?) I'm gong to start implementing more techniques from the No Cry Sleep Solution soon (which Chris finally read, and he actually said, "Not that we're getting them out of our bed"--didn't you, honey?). Next we just need the cash for a king-sized organic mattress. My main goal is for them eventually to sleep a few hours in the evening without me. Then maybe I could write.


New things:

• (This is more me, but...) It was in the 50s today, and I carried both girls to the library to pick up the pass to the Children's Museum. And we've walked to pick up Daddy from the T every warm night.
• Nico and Lena are kissing each other; it's adorable! Nico gave Lena kisses on the head when she was tired out at the Museum tonight, and Lena has been kissing me each morning this week.
• Obviously we went to the Children's Museum today. It was our second time, but the first time the girls and I went by ourselves. We got there at about 4, and Daddy met us at 5.30. I think it was a little too much, though they certainly enjoyed it at first. We will do it again in a few weeks. Friday nights after 5 it's only a dollar! (It got pretty crowded then.)
• The girls were taking one nap for a while, but today they napped at 9.40 and again at 1.40! They been needing two naps quite a few days (me too!). That's what they were doing at 9 months. Laura said she read somewhere that when babies are first walking, the become as clingy as they were as newborns. That's really helped me. They're doing so much; it must be so overwhelming for them.
• Nico signed "hurt."
• Lena is signing really consistently. I know she's signed some new stuff ("hungry"), but I can't think of it all right now.
• They like playing with their toy cars and the new little couch I got them at Target.
• We went on ots of 30-45 minute walks this week--so glad the girls will still stay in the stroller! I'll miss it when it snows ten feet next week!
• I've been able to get up for 15-30 minutes during their naps some days. It's kinda nice, but definitely not happening every day.
• They eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, are addicted to blueberries again after a month off, and love trying to use their forks with their mac and cheese.
• The girls both started saying dog last week.
  

Can you tell I've had no time in forever? Too much to say. Ah, this little respite is giving me just the space I need to get a little perspective about how truly incredible my little ladies are. We went out to dinner with Grandma M when they were exhausted Tuesday night, and they were such troopers. They loved the lights, and everybody loved them and commented on how good they were. I guess I don't appreciate because I'm always with them, you know?

Nico can walk!

It seems to be her preferred mode of transportation. She's looking less and less like Godzilla walking through some toy-littered stage set and more like my sweet little toddler. Chris used to count "4 steps! 8 steps!" Now we just watch her walk across the room. It is the archetypal moment happening before our eyes. It's awesome.

See Nico walking on New Year's Day here.

Lena can play the drums!

Lena had her first lesson on Christmas Eve. It was awesome! Chris had to pry the sticks from her hands. She will usurp Daddy's place in the family band. Go girl!

See Lena playing here!

Happy New Year!

We killed our tv, so hopefully I can post more. And become a writer. That's the goal. So dead tv was resolution number 1.

Number 2: Use fewer paper towels. I've used none so far (but Amanda cleaned up Bea's huge vomit of dead bird and crunchies yesterday, saving me in so many ways...). I'm using the sink and bibs made from handtowels to clean the girls (and, yep, the girls had ketchup between their fingers yesterday and Nico sported a peanut butter face today). And a quick dry towel thing from Trader Joe's and/or sponges for the kitchen. So if this works, perhaps we'll try family cloth. Ha.

Number 3: Do yoga three times a week. Here I am failing. But if I can post this and two more entries with video, and if the girls are still asleep, I will pop a dvd on this computer and yoga myself up. Last night the girls gave me no time after 8. I think they are both teething and on the cusp of really getting walking. Nico can walk across the room and seems to prefer walking. Lena is such a fast crawler that I think she doesn't care so much, but because Nico's getting so much attention, she will sometimes focus on it. And she's where Nico was a week ago, so in another week, there's really going to be some action here.

Weightloss seems to continue. I should lose whatever I gained during the holidays (if anything) because without Chris around, I have no time to eat!