happy birthday!

So, it's not so much time off that I think I need, as "time with".... I want help
raising the littles rather than time alone. But I do like going to the grocery alone just because the girls so often cry on the long ride back from Trader Joe's. Plus they are getting heavy! I just wish we were surrounded by more people who were interested in helping us raise these girls. My ideal would be to live around a lot of parents who are really focused on their kids. A kibbutz, a commune. Something so I could take a bath without scheduling it, someplace where the girls would feel safe and cared for if I went to the grocery. They feel safe with Chris, of course--sometimes I think they are "better" or happier hanging with him--but then our whole day is divided, and it's like the rest of the day is "my turn" even when the errand I'm doing is for the whole family. Grrr.

We had our last Movers and Groovers class yesterday (thank God! the mamas there are so anti-AP it depresses the hell out of me each week). We hadn't been for three weeks, and the other moms said how big the girls had gotten and how "skinny" I was. I'm still not skinny, but getting closer!

Today we have our one year appointment. I may ask to skip the shots because the girls are going through something. It probably has a lot to do with getting ready to walk (Nico took her first steps the day before her party, December 10, but not really since). But also with the reason for my blog-silence: strep and ear infections!

Update: We got the chicken pox shot, and it wasn't too bad. Dr. V did it himself, which I thought was really cool. He is so good with my fussy clingers.

My next entry will be about this book Hold On to Your Kids. That, and the debate about where our girls should sleep and how we should "encourage" a change if there is one. God help us. Please.

The girls are standing solid, doing pretend-play, and begging me to read a book now........

Today Lena discovered Nico's belly button. What wonderful new worlds are opening up! They can tickle each other! Nico is enjoying lying on her back on the floor or the dog bed. I guess it's a new perspective, like when Lena does downward dog.

Last night Lena signed "go to sleep." I couldn't believe it. I tried to get them to nap--Lena started, but Nico wanted none of it, so Lena got back up to play. But Lena was clearly exhausted (we had a playdate and Circe barked the whole time, so I think that stressed her out; it stressed me out). So I let them nap at 5. At 6 they were still sleeping, so soundly that I got up (which they almost never let me do during naps--maybe ten times in their lives!). But all did not end well. They mostly stayed asleep for the night, but only when attached to me. Around 9, Lena decided to get up and play for an hour. Nico had to sleep on top of me all night. It was not comfortable. I didn't get much sleep and was in a foul, angry, resentful mood this morning. Which I don't enjoy. But, in addition to a fairly controlled fight in front of the girls (which I hope we explained and managed to model "effective conflict resolution" rather than scar them for life), we've also decided to try setting up a bed with guard rails in the nursery so they can get used to sleeping in there. I feel like I'll get even less sleep for awhile, and I'll probably end up sleeping in there frequently, but maybe it'll be good.

We also need to get me more "time off" than the hour and a half I had last Saturday (after 11.5 months). Give the girl an inch....

(Above is a picture of us picking out our tree with our beautiful new car two weekends ago!)

Happy birthday to me!

Yesterday I turned 33. I got some awesome slippers. And a big dose of--well, not really facing my own mortality, but, let's say, a somber spoonful of being a grown-up? Not only has having twins affected my ability to write (I think they're presence has something to do with a year of sleep-deprival), I'm also having this huge emotional experience that I think has a lot more to do with being the mom of two nearly one-year-olds than with my own advancing age. I don't really feel so old, but I am slowly realizing that I am the mom. Forever.

Not that that's a bad thing. It's the best thing. But I feel I'm a little slow in adjusting to the changes in my life. For example, I'm in a bad mood for about a week and then I realize the girls' nap "schedule" has changed; I just haven't adjusted. Or I realize it's been almost a year, and my dream of them sleeping through the night (or going more than an hour not being attached to the nipple) is just that, a dream. I was peeling sweet potatoes Saturday morning, enjoying myself, but I realized that nothing in previous life led me to expect that baking olive oil drenched sweet potatoes would be a fulfilling activity. It's sort of like a mid-life crisis; I mean, it feels that huge. My understanding of what makes me happy has dramatically shifted, and it continues to change. I really like my slippers. I really enjoyed my entire birthday in a way I don't think I have for a while.

But one part I enjoyed is when Chris took the girls to the store for an hour and a half. That is the first time I've been alone in my house except for two 20 minutes walks. Exclamation point. I couldn't stop moving, stop cleaning. It was such an odd feeling. And I think it added to the heavy feeling I had most of the weekend. The girls are a year old, and their care is nowhere near as intense as it was those first four grueling months (which are hidden in a hazy spot in my brain). But it is still constant. And I can't run down to the basement for a screwdriver any time I want to. (I mean the tool, not the drink. But I can't go get that drink either.) I think my discomfort stems from more than just the fact that "society doesn't value motherhood/family." I can't put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with how brief and how intense this time is, how quickly priorities shift, and how difficult it is to find someone who feels similarly to you in terms of parenting who is going through it at the same time who also (the kicker) lives nearby. I have two good new mommy friends who help me not feel insane, but they don't live here.

I am really pushing my mommy-at-the-computer-is-tolerable time. Gotta cheerlead these girls standing attempts! And, of course, they are completely the best presents I've ever received. (Oh, and the gorgeous snow was icing!)